i am daylights

i have searched for all your fragrance in the silent dark. is that okay?

2007-08-07T08:35:00.000-04:00

a trip roundtrip by train, and everything's changed.

this weekend was the best i've had yet since my arrival. saturday my partner-in-crime was in town, and we + others hopped from bar to bar after 3pm. drunk in daylight is one of my favorite past times. best friends need to visit every weekend. we danced unaccompanied, and dances were made up and performed. we don't really dance for real anymore, it's more like making fun of dancing for the entertainment of ourselves and others. mock dancing, it's our new wave.

i threw up vodka and tequila and salad sunday before i left. i could barely rise from the cold of the bathroom floor. on the way to the flatbush station, the driver asked me if i smoked REEFER [imagine indian accent]. i sat on the high story of the double-decker, reflecting on the narrative i'm cooking up about reflections off objects that pose as mirrors and what it's like when you're so familiar with a living space that you know all its sounds, its growth and sinking, footsteps in the stairwell, in the hallway, in the kitchen. and what you may have learned from all of these. what have you learned? in the reflection off the train window, i saw a hippie woman's nipple after her not-feeding-just-sucking daughter removed her mouth. i visited long island for the first time. after sushi, my fortune read something like today will be better than yesterday. i regret not keeping it. the early commuters couldn't have been more dissimilar from me, from me that at that very moment. i wanted to let them know. i was scolded for talking on the phone, but i could barely keep my mouth shut.

my friends are the best in the world, and i'm falling somewhere. severely.

i'd only yell at our kids if they acted like you

2007-07-30T21:47:00.000-04:00

to boston and back after $30 and nine hours total travel time on the fung wah. the fung wah's a funny thing, you know...only in new york city are we afforded such luxuries as $30 roundtrip tickets on the chinatown [gang?] bus [meth addict bus driver?]. boston was great...just the kind of good company [great company] and relaxation [air conditioning] that city kids like us needed.

now that i've been sick for one and a half weeks, i finally broke down and bought oregano oil tonight. whole foods in union square...it was the guitarist from the yeah yeah yeahs and i shopping for herbal remedies together. only in new york. so yes, oregano oil is SO disgusting that i did in fact have to administer one spoonful of sugar to cut the aftertaste. jesus, how disgusting. i'll never be able to season with oregano again. jesus. this better work.

an affair for sixty years

2007-07-23T18:36:00.000-04:00

i'll pretend you're in the war. we all have to move on sometime, don't we?

it's a first; i'm cold. it's white outside, and i wish it was snow, or september. if it were september there'd nearly be snow on the ground, and there'd be no more waiting.

what's right isn't always what happens.
don't i know.

it rained for hours and hours today. i heard many cars sliding and crashing into each other on the brooklyn bridge above me today. there's a camaraderie that comes with living in the city when it rains...everyone's wet together.

let's celebrate in october by running through town in the rain. you can hold the umbrella.
you know i'd hate that.

it's been nearly three months here, and i've finally fully internalized living here. i think it came when i started wanting to get away for little bits. it's not less magical, per se, just...it's routine. and i work so so much that routine really is all i'm privy to. the most excitement i have lately is when they serve something yummy at family meal at work.

and bring all the songs you've ruined for me.
or i could just sing them.

so it's boston this weekend, and i couldn't be looking forward to it with any more excitement. i haven't seen my partner-in-crime in nearly three months. am i different person already?

i'll see you again, i know i will, and soon. whether it's in memories played back again and again, or while watching geese cross the road, i'll know you by your eyes welling up, the nervousness in your step, the anticipation of your fingers across mine.
yes, and you will know me.

what's more permanent: a wedding ring or a wedding ring tan?

2007-07-14T10:56:00.000-04:00

the weather's making life just fine once again. i'm missing so many cancer birthdays, and it really stings. worked a double yesterday, and the restaurant was crazy just like a friday the 13th touts itself. i'm eating oreos, but i need fruit. last night i was offered the impressive sum of 5$ to move back to detroit, but i think i'll have to decline. restaurant week begins monday, and everyone's dreading it. today is fort greene market, the beach and another sibling up in the lofts. i can't stop thinking about boston at the end of the month, that thai place in queens, curry tuna, my new homemade mustard-lemon salad dressing, one of my best friends here permanently in three weeks and wishing shows didn't get so gigantically out-of-hand huge in the city [read: what les savy fav will be like tonight]. life couldn't get any more new york, really. as my father would say, i'm "living the dream!"

and i'll be in detroit in exactly two months. there'll nearly be snow on the ground, and i will have probably forgotten nearly everything.

pray for rain

2007-07-11T17:56:00.000-04:00

that's all you can do really, pray for rain. pray for clouds to hover and shroud the sun. pray for the humidity to rise to the breaking point. it's the moment that it's 6pm, looks like sunset, and the sky has burst. the air pushed in by the fan is cooling, slowly slowly, finally rendering the fan not a moot point anymore. in the city on the sixth floor in a loft with windows lining only one wall. cross-breeze is a joke, and in the city, central air is a joke. and my room has no windows. it took only two minutes of laying in the bedroom last night until i retired to the couch in retreat. even then with a fan pushing in the night air and another right in front of it [in hopes of fanning exponentially], i wondered how many people in defeat have taken their lives because of the heat in the city.

live where?

2007-07-10T16:20:00.000-04:00

it's so insanely hot out, all you can do is go to the new floating pool:

a promise scratched into the liner notes

2007-06-20T22:43:00.000-04:00

everything's different now that i take the bus. it's better. not alienated on the g train anymore. the b goes over the manhattan bridge; it's amazing. i can even see where i work from the train. i live a 10-minute bus ride from forever 21. now that's truly amazing. i want to move to brighton beach and live among the russians. it's the perfect jankiness. i really love it. received the worst sunburn of my life on monday at the beach, and i'm still not recovered. not even half-recovered. the beach is only a 30-minute train ride away. did i mention you can surf there? did i? my roommate recently started, and no shark sighting as of yet! yesterday was amazing homemade lasagna and salad picked from the garden under the bqe. there's something funny about moving to the city and eating straight out of a garden. gardens are extra coveted here. today was the craziest japanese bookstore in rockefeller center, then purl soho, then a big score! on a much-needed pair of shoes. cafe habana tonight in fort greene...the place is totally solar-powered. surprisingly great shrimp burrito and unsurprisingly great grilled corn mexican-style. it's a pretty great place. i plan on enjoying many many frozen mojitos there. tomorrow's summer solstice, and oxford collapse is playing on bedford avenue, on the street. pretty crazy! and yes i wish i was at that ryan adams show tonight.

i've been cheating on slowdive

2007-06-14T14:46:00.000-04:00

it's been ten years of "slowdive is my favorite band," and it was about time their reign would come to an end. the national muscled themselves in some time ago. i saw feist at town hall on tuesday. it was pretty weird to walk out of a show right into times square. this is where i live. thinking about movies in the park this summer and all the free shows. superchunk in little more than a week. found an armoire in the hallway the other day, and now i'm not living out of bins anymore. makes you feel like a real person. a real live-r-somewhere-r. ordering a bed this weekend. if only i had a window over which to hang curtains. someday. thinking about walking over the brooklyn bridge, pizza in dumbo and picnics. been working full-time hours at my part-time job, so i guess i now am a full-time reservationist and a part-time transcriptionist. applying today for a job that would allow me to quit both, just quit everything that generates too few dollars per hour/per line, in lieu of 9-5 new york worklife. got drunk on a free vodka hour at the "vibe music awards" bar directly across the street last night, then indulged in a fried chicken bedtime snack. i'm dating tom yum quite exclusively now that i found the superlative at thai 101 on myrtle nearby. i wish i could see tom everyday, but you know...it's difficult to visit daily. deleted phone numbers without prior memorization. plans for the weekend fitting together like puzzle pieces...the beach weather allowing, a bar with hot dogs, a bus ride to new jersey. and back. living in new york city is overwhelming, lonely and inspiring.

we're creatures of the wind

2007-06-04T18:56:00.000-04:00

i know i haven't really mentioned it, but i'm having quite a bit of trouble keeping in touch with everyone in my life. and now i have a second job at which i'll be working 25-30 hours a week, so i suspect i perhaps will get even worse at it. there's not a day that goes by that i don't mention missing someone. it's usually the same someone[s]. so, even if we don't talk or won't talk for a indefinite period, don't think that i don't think of you. often.

so the job is good and pretty easy. it seems that i'm a pretty "good fit" for the restaurant and the job of a reservationist. i'm glad to be working in the food industry. it seems like a "new york" thing to do. the neighborhood is getting better, or rather, my perception/opinion of the neighborhood is getting better. the c-town [grocery store] here isn't so bad, and i've already fallen in love with a few of the restaurants. i just had amazing vegan carrot cake down the street. the apartment is in some bit of shambles, and i desperately want something in which to house my clothes other than plastic blue bins on the floor. and a bed. a bed in which to dream about the happiness of the money a second job brings. the ring i've been wearing is worn and bent to the point of being endearing, which i find quite fitting. the commute to work is surprisingly easy, and life with this new hole [gaping] is both sobering and sad. and anticipatory. i dreamt last night about that song "wild is the wind," nina simone's version. i never dreamt about a song like that. in the dream i was trying to convince people that it was a fitting, if not perfect, song for the "first dance" at a wedding. hmm.

i still want you to visit.

as you have to say the password twice

2007-06-02T21:57:00.000-04:00

one of those kind of days.

notwist
one with the freaks

you'll no longer be kissed and kind
as you long for intuition
as you have to learn the lesson twice
you'll no longer be kissed and kind
as you long for intuition
as you have to say the password twice

have you ever been all messed up?

you're the pin card
you're the lifeguard
you're the information guide
but things look much bigger on your knees

lose the signal
lose the sign post
lose the access to it all
and all of a sudden you are one with the freaks

have you ever been all messed up?
have you ever?

i miss you; i hate this

2007-06-01T00:58:00.000-04:00

i move tomorrow. bigger bedroom [x2/2.5], nervous about the location, living with friends, off the g train that i hate. i have a lot of anxiety about it for an unknown reason, which is probably because i have anxiety about most anything different, changing, altered, &tc. i've been here exactly two months. i got a job this week at a restaurant in dumbo. it's fancy-fancy and really nice. i'm glad to be getting out and making some more money. i feel so full right now after a couple tacos. had 1/2 vegan cheesesteak earlier. the national were amazing. my head is a mess. i might have separation anxiety. maybe i stole someone's abandonment issues.

i wish that all of my dreams would come true.

with love and squalor

2007-05-20T11:39:00.000-04:00

saturday was a lazy, wasted day spent in front of the television. watched entire season four of curb your enthusiasm and started on big love. after almost two months of living here, i just now realized that we have hbo on demand. i'm smart like that, ya know. i'm having a capricorn day today. worrying about money. you see, since i'm on the cusp of capricorn and sagittarius, i'm not as concerned with money as the next cap, but some days, man, it really consumes me. and living in nyc, the reasons are tenfold! it's like a see-saw where the amount of things you WANT increases and the amount of things you can afford decreases. the see-saw's on an angle much closer to vertical than ever before. it's pretty frustrating, but it is worth it, absolutely. since i'm only subletting here, i don't have a pantry full of backup food like shitty soups you bought because they were on sale, pasta, weird frozen things, &tc. so when i just have raw cashews and tortilla chips left, that's it! great meal. this whole thing makes me get obsessed with cheap foods, cheap good foods, cheap but good meat [nonexistent category], cheap veggies. i have come up with canned tuna and celery. and kinda potatoes; they're pretty cheap. now that i've given up dairy for digestion's sake, i have to get creative with my tuna. my sister bought me a jar of harissa last week, which is a moroccan chili sauce/paste, and i've found that goes well with tuna.

i fly home on thursday, and i'm way more excited about it than i thought i would be [admittedly!]. lots of unfinished business and loose ends over in detroit, and i plan to tie them all up in nice pretty bows! then the national is on tuesday at the bowery! then i move to clinton hill. so much excitement outright and between the lines.

but i'm still not sure that i've totally internalized my living here yet. i live in new york city? i live in new york city. right? for how long? two months? for forever? and not in michigan? pretty weird. but i can say with full internalization that--barring any tragic/dramatic unforseen circumstance--i won't return to michigan for residency again. i'm sorry.

maybe i should scratch off that tattoo on my wrist.

2007-05-18T14:05:00.000-04:00

[why the garbage bag?]

do yourself a favor:

eleven days until we see them! god i seriously cannot wait. i hope they play this.

insane.

i have so much anticipation, i swear my blood's flowing five times faster.

printemps dans la ville

2007-05-14T17:47:00.000-04:00

"that's where the whale was that DIED"
[i.e., gowanus canal, sludgy the whale, 4/19/07]

dyker heights park, consisting mostly of athletic fields

same field, with olympic-style seating
verrazano-narrows bridge to stanton island in background

belt parkway

you can smell the salt in the air

looking east, coney island

cutest kids ever, cab, poughkeepsie, ny

fish market, chinatown, ny

the shellfish are my favorite

fresh tofu on the street in chinatown, $1

off a greenpoint rooftop, mccarren park and pool,
ominous new williamsburg developments

in the shadow of the city

greenpoint, brooklyn

let nothing hang you down...now let it go

2007-05-13T23:47:00.000-04:00

i received a most unconventional gift for a most unconventional mother today [on account of me not exactly being a mother!].

been busy and happy lately, as is always the reason for such absence. i have a lot of pictures to post, but i don't have much to say except that i live in the best place on earth.

til tomorrow..

without reproach

2007-05-01T20:40:00.000-04:00

washington square park, ny, ny, 30 april 2007
odawas -->alleluia

it was a new year and a new time, and there was a new hallelujah. the kind of song for both active and inactive listening...so effected, so effective if you paid attention and turned it up loud, but set very low, it's a mix of rumbles and whistles and something quite unrelenting. it was february, and i waited, sucking down almost an entire whiskey&coke waiting for him at the bar. it was february, fat tuesday to be exact, and at 7pm the place was filled with drunk middle-agers, necks strewn with plastic colored beads, toasting the commencement of lent with shot after shot. i sat at a booth, luckily--it was one of those rare times to find a booth empty at this bar--reading and rereading an advertising booklet for southern comfort specifically for mardi gras, which included recipes with the liquor that i read and reread, finding them both repulsive and nearly unintelligible in my present state. it was february, and it was the very first "warm" day of the year. i remember exactly what i wore, which enthusiastically included on account of the favorable weather shoes without socks and a three-quarter length vintage jacket. all day i wouldn't admit i was nervous, but it was one of those days where nothing would satiate the edginess. i left my house to run errands three hours early, stopping at my mother's to pass some time. conversation nor television served as successful diversions, and i was quick to change the subject when she tried to point to the source of my agitation. i left for the post office, wasted time in the thrift store, used the bathroom at the coffee shop, tried on clothes at the vintage store, and the entire time--despite my very real skittishness--i did not believe that he would actually come. i sat, purposefully, with my back to the door, the drink quickly disappearing and my stomach turning from the soco recipes. he did come. at first, i didn't rise to greet him, and he gave me a look nearing insult. i got pretty drunk and can confidently say that i can't recall anything we talked about. he came in for a bit, and i turned up "alleluia" over and again. "how many times are you going to play that?" i heard new songs that would soon become my favorites, and with each one i was conscious of the increased weight attached, as it always had been with him. they were all indelibly burned into memory like tattoos you couldn't think twice about. i kept my distance. and no sooner than three days later after having not met for hundreds, he confessed at the brink of a shot of whiskey, "i'm going to miss you so much."

can we talk about this later?

2007-04-29T11:08:00.000-04:00

we're living in a secret world, the kind that's exposed by only the tip bit of the edge of a broken mirror...a tiny grassy, wooded island--suburbanites' vacation escape from life's tedium [join the resistance, fall in love etched nightly in the sandy shores]--only the top of which is clear to the naked eye. submerged and extending for miles deep and wide, a whole life with a speckled, colored, uneven past, with bottles broken against walls and whispers in the 4am darkness and stories told in the mere expression of eyes. a whole world surrounded by water, so it's hard to pin down the constant, the reality. a whole world made up of memories of rooms and songs and those moments you both love and hate to recount; a place both so muddied and so totally bright that all words, coincidences, disappointments, consequences, decisions, spans of eye contact, all absences, all hopes and every single labored goodbye have 500-lb. weights attached to them, plunging us deeper and deeper. we're the brilliant glow of candlelight in darkness, we're those final hums of a person on the brink of death, we're the tattoo you just found out you had.

"dear baby"

2007-04-22T11:13:00.000-04:00

be just as good as you can be
love,
papa

the truth is coming out. the screen is lifting, reality is coming into focus. blindingly. it's like the brightest sun, the richest colors, the sharpest edges--everything i've been dazed by, nearly paralyzed by for so so long. like years. it's wearying to pass all these days out of the shade. and still. what's happened and what i want to happen entreat and tug and yank me by the nose or the heart or whatever can be pulled, and really it's so hard to live right within it for so long. it really is so wearying and at times downright suffocating, but when the truth comes out in morsels after midnight, and when the rope i'm pulling starts to give way--some baby little morsels--it's then that i know i'd rather scorch like this in the light.

it's three weeks today that i've lived here, and the transition has been easy, really quite easy. i've etched out already a fair amount of a life, and i haven't been bored or lonely since week one. the weather's better now [in an insane way], and with a bike, a second job, and a bit more money [and yes glue and a bed and maybe even other furniture one day], days and nights will be sweet and easy and will pass with contentment [more than contentment], tenderness, fascination and you know...everything else good and nice and light [but to be burdened?], and you know.

hold me like you never held me before, like if you knew for sure

2007-04-20T09:20:00.000-04:00

dude. seriously. first there was easter, then there was the nor'easter and then there was the best weekend of weather in the history of new york city [ok, my being in new york city]. seriously. dude. i could see just blue, just blue through the skylight over my bed when i opened my eyes this morning. it's going to be so nice! i'm going to every park! just watch me! crocheting at every park in new york city! maybe it'll be a project! maybe i'll blog about it! [ok, maybe that's dumb.]

finally finally finally! got that other loney dear record, finally. fuck, it is seriously SO good. i'm sorry but like,,,,,,,i listened to the newest one, loney, noir a lot, and it is good, butbut but i'm sorry but this record should really have been the one released on sub pop. this record, though, goddamn, it's like...listening to it's like breaking a fucking leveé. a memory leveé! it makes me think of the rain.

also! i found a sublet for june! woo!

AND i'm not hungover today!

reality?

2007-04-18T17:23:00.000-04:00

last night i finished my ántonia by willa cather, my first finished book here. washing out a long, long reading dry spell. i liked it a lot, but i'm not sure that cather "created one of the most winning heroines in american fiction" [or that "'no romantic novel ever written in america, by man or woman, is one half so beautiful as my ántonia.'"] nonetheless, there were a couple great lines toward the end.

"'Do you know, Ántonia, since I've been away, I think of you more often than of anyone else in this part of the world. I'd have liked to have you for a sweetheart, or a wife, or my mother or my sister--anything that a woman can be to a man. The idea of you is a part of my mind; you influence my likes and dislikes, all my tastes, hundreds of times when I don't realize it. You really are a part of me.'"

"She lent herself to immemorial human attitudes which we recognize by instinct as universal and true. I had not been mistaken. She was a battered woman now, not a lovely girl; but she still had that something which fires the imagination, could still stop one's breath for a moment by a look or gesture that somehow revealed the meaning in common things."

i need suggestions for something else now. fiction, please.

can you still ruin music?

2007-04-17T17:54:00.000-04:00

i didn't say it yet, my building is salmon-colored. my mother had said it was pink, google earth colored it red, but it is in reality salmon. a strange color for bricks i think. i had meant to mention this.

i'm slowly [or is it quickly?] accepting that i live here. it took about ten days to break down and buy the monthly train pass. "you just keep putting money on the card?" "yeah..uhm...i don't know what i'm waiting for." it took one trip carrying my dirty clothes to the laundromat to break down and buy the "neighborhood cart." i had had my heart set on one of those with the plastic flowery material, but perhaps those just exist in the movies because they don't seem to in my neighborhood. it's totally worth it.

i feel so in-between, over some edge or fissure, and my toes keep falling in. in the middle of the night, during certain songs, on certain notes...i'm transported elsewhere. to places that don't really exist, or maybe only in that 50% past. smells and the lighting and notes and how it all felt.. but none of that's here, and only somewhat in spirit. i'm willing it away. but there are new plans and times and people and delights. i have so much hope.

i danced you across the wooden floor and you signed the lease

2007-04-17T10:45:00.000-04:00

a dearth of words can only means good things: old friends, new faces, things to do, bar hopping, yummy french food, making split pea soup, afternoon in the park, coincidences, big surprises, brunch, making plans, staying up late, &tc.; the first days i've been really glad to be here. and the same continues throughout the week, and then 6s and sunny starting on the weekend and going on and on..

[ohyeah and then there was that nor'easter: equal parts tempestuous and angelic; one whole part persistent; brought cold wet feet and may have hit sick at my throat; unknown quantity of parts metaphoric.]

serenading

2007-04-13T09:11:00.000-04:00

the forecast here is exhausting. every morning i check, and then throughout the day i check semi-compulsively the 10-day forecast, and then i sigh audibly each time when not a 6 appears. no 6. 4s and 5s and even 3s in the nights. no 6s. just low 5s. not even between a 5 and a 6. it's friday and if there'd just be a little 6 on weather.com, we could all lay in the park and do something frivolous. and be pretty damn happy.

the last day of 6s [and 7s!] i remember clearly, on that very good bad day. i didn't want to face it, but the weather was so so gorgeous it was quite a helping hand. the sheets were red with the imprint of my tattoo. you went out onto the balcony, and until i joined you, i didn't know the weather was so perfect. i stood beside you for a while, but the warmth--or the something, something like warmth--was too much to handle. it felt like standing on the edge a cliff and peering downward. my stomach hurt. we did everything slowly; i doted upon every moment. i remember all the music we listened to that day. i remember lunch: how i took too long to decide, the way my soup tasted, the old man you wanted to become, the cartoon character t-shirt, the dr. seuss lady, the temperature of the drinking water, the clink of the silverware, the sound of the espresso machine and the juicer, where i put my purse under the table, the way you barely looked at me; how we ignored the inevitable, pretending that the day was just another. i remember driving east, and slowly, and finally stopping in that baby little town; you making me stand outside of the car. i remember everything about the dog chained up there and how many clouds were in the sky and exactly what the gravel felt like under my feet. i remember the "watch your step!" all the time, the button lady, the cast-iron banks, the photos, the old baking supplies. i remember standing close, how long i took to decide on a button and stopping for moments in that side room. the drive further east was even slower. my stomach dropped when we turned down the street. i remember how the grass felt under my feet and exactly how the sun shone into the front room, the cats, the couch, your things piled up in the corner. we moved slowly, and i left quickly. i didn't look back to see if you were watching.

well not in the surf of course

2007-04-12T17:38:00.000-04:00

things i'll never hear of. old ears hear better anyway.

listening to that decemberists ep. wonder whatever came of that little mouse.

the sound of silence

2007-04-10T21:23:00.000-04:00

the city is inspiring, but the loneliness is deafening, but sometimes the loneliness--or, more like the lonesomeness--is sort of inspiring. it'll inspire me soon enough to make art -- out of inspiration or out of boredom, does it matter? i went out alone this evening, and i wish i had a dictaphone hooked up to my thoughts. upon moving, i've suddenly become a devourer of media once again. i went to the record store today...err, make that TWO record stores. proud? looking for the same old things from lately, no odawas, no early loney dear record. i instead got that new adem used. i heard it on the listening station, but i think i remember its recommendation? something, maybe in some past life. next was really blah tom yum noodle soup. i think i'm going to become a connoisseur on tom yum soup. i spent quite some time today studying various recipes for it. i also found a recipe that combined canned tuna with tom yum paste. hmmm. hmmmmmmmmmm. not sure really what to think of that. walking up and down bedford with the coffees, the juices, the health foods, the organic and local produces, the record stores, the places to drink whiskey, the dogs, the studios, the labels...you could have everything for a full life here within a mile radius. you wouldn't even need a bike. and the beach is here! in brooklyn! that really always excites me the most.

this entry didn't go as planned. it felt good to get out, so i couldn't keep up my solemn tone. smile. it's so quiet now; it feels so strange. like the loss of an arm or a pet or a favorite crazy lady standing on the corner every morning who always makes you laugh. but in the quiet, there's still this din, it's so faint, the faint tink of a metal connector in the mind. a soup can on one side of a string. it always baffled me how those worked.

24 hours. but who's counting?

2007-04-09T21:27:00.000-04:00

i took the train up to broadway late this afternoon to go to the capezio store. while packed against the other bodies of rush hour, there was a familiar smell. cinnamon. i looked down to see a woman seated gnawing on a toothpick, the kind with a ridge at the end. smell is such a strong sense related to memory. it made me glad i never had a t-shirt or scarf or pillowcase or something. just be out on the curb with everything else. this way nothing's really been infiltrated. my room is hundreds of miles away, touched; virgin. something that's totally mine, a thing you can't ruin, a new life with new memories and new songs and new places, totally totally untouchable to you. save, of course, for your presence. a ridiculous mention. ridiculous, so ridiculous that i entertained even for a moment that i'd ever gaze off the balcony at the empire state building accompanied. i bought a leotard, tights and split-toed canvas ballet slippers. tomorrow i have to figure out how to sew the elastics on the shoes, otherwise i'd start ballet class tomorrow. it'll be wednesday instead. i shopped for groceries in the neighborhood and made tacos too heavy on the olives and cilantro [this i know is what anyone would say about me]. tomorrow i'm gonna go spy on a bed. this room considerably uncooperative with a queen-sized bed, let alone a queen-sized air mattress. i'm reading again, too. new life, new activities right? ballet and my antonia.

let's not try to figure out everything at once

2007-04-09T12:06:00.000-04:00

you were always weird but i never had to hold you by the edges like other men

yesterday, too many anniversaries. of moving, of the closet, of lemon chicken, of bad easters, of good easters. it's becoming quite laborious to count time like that. perhaps we should forget the phrase, "this time last..." forgetting and regret. it's better to be on this side of regret: the short end of the stick, the "no choice" side. this side of regret has no regrets, no power, no hope. it's easier to just have hurt. hurt and memories and forgetting. it's comforting to know there'll be no "moments of clarity" in the future. it is, however, perhaps a bit regretful to have had clarity through all times, like those times when others were totally fogged up. knowing what you have when you have it i suppose is both a gift and a curse. you end up with the short end of the stick but on the sunnier side of regret. perhaps it's some kind of sage-ness. some kind of maturity. it's like you're this master draftsman, drawing all these lines perfectly straight, perfectly in line, perfectly perpendicular and parallel; your rulers are impeccably straight, pencil point always sharp, level always aligned with the moon or the stars or the tides or whatever levels are controlled by. lining up reality with hopes and wishes. lining up heart and mind. perhaps it's more about turning off the mind. perhaps i should stop telling you what to do.

there is a light that never goes out

2007-04-08T15:25:00.000-04:00

i can only think of everything that will never happen. and of course the never agains. never the four corners of the country, never montreal, never cross-country. never another show. never mentioning most reminiscent songs. never recounting the first days. never hines, timberlake on country roads, dixboro, woodward, belle isle. never chicago, westerly suburbs, never walking to the park in ferndale after dark. never that tattoo. never your whisper half-asleep. never little gifts. never new memories. never the catherine wheels, lows, will oldhams, minerals, slowdives. never my cover album. never another nervous serenade. never the sunrise, morning music, taking breaths on balconies. never whiskey and wine. never the sameness. never those wide-eyes. never that fascination.

in case you want some ham

2007-04-07T19:01:00.000-04:00

said you didn't love me, it was right on time, i was just about to tell you that it'll be alright

the knit cafe hit the spot this afternoon, just as presumed. a spot that needed to be hit and hit and hit, over and over again. listening to the ladies in greenwich and sipping and chatting and knitting [and crocheting, as we're anti-knit],: jasmine tea, perfectly brown coffee; meeting men off craigslist, where to buy the best bra [not victoria's secret they said], men who confess their love years after the fact [after babies and all], yankees versus mets men, comfortable camper wedges; what do you wear a red and grey scarf with?, through the back loop, too tight?, singles versus doubles, knits, purls. the sun peeked out here and there today, and greenwich was beautiful, as always [guilty pleasure?].

now we're welcomed home to some finally-defrosted slices i chiseled off the honeybaked ham [!] my mother surprise-sent here yesterday morning. it's ham and crackers and sharp cheddar on the air mattress. we've been talking for an hour about what to wear out tonight.

i've come close to thinking about attempting to write something for the last week. after all, i did move to brooklyn six days ago. what am i supposed to say? all the beginnings and endings are so wrapped up in each other that i can't really discern what is what. or rather, what i'm feeling about what. a mix of happiness, anticipation, elation, boredom, restlessness, anger, disappointment, heartbreak.

coney island

2007-04-05T21:26:00.000-04:00

sit and listen to the worms

2007-03-28T17:46:00.000-04:00

the house on the hill, far after dark. stop here, this is where you can see it best. but not the french doors you'd love, you can't see them from this view.. there's a room where you could have an art studio. there's a drawing room that begs for guitars to be hung on the wall. oh you, look at the view, it's like a city. like a tiny city. look at those lights. it's like a real city, like one-eightieth of a new york city skyline. driving country roads in the dark...my palms aren't as sweaty as they were a month ago. it's still all "what's going on with the road"s and "i'm scared, i have to slow down"s and "it's so dark out here"s. but i don't think about a car crash anymore. not like a month ago when i couldn't even drive those roads and stay calm. if i make it there first, will you join me in heaven? two hands on the wheel at all times. can't man the ipod. downshift to fourth on the turns. especially in the rain. especially in the dark. spying out the roofs you wouldn't reach. always commenting on the view and how dark it is. always wanting to get out of the car and lay in the grass. it's impossible to find a place in the rain that doesn't smell like fish. err, like worms. "why is it that worms smell like fish and we use worms to catch fish?" you're talking about worms, and i have anger bubbling up right under the surface like the wine bubbling through the tiny hole in the cap of the pom glass. ya know wine looks like pomegranate juice. boy, how smart you've gotten. mind the speed bumps. don't cross the line. take this turn in fourth. i can't see the lines on the road in the rain. here's the bridge again! walk with me in the rain. hold the umbrella for me. i want to hear you whine. don't cross the line. wait for me. i can't move in this rain. i can't think in this humidity. don't talk about the future. have hope when there is none.

which will you love the best

2007-03-26T09:43:00.000-04:00

how many times we can break the law today?

2007-03-25T16:27:00.000-04:00

trespassing. loitering. public indecency. drinking and driving.

this is my last half hour of work at the store. i don't think i'll tear up about this, though it has been pretty unpredictable what'll make me upset. i leave next sunday. six days. so many goodbyes. a week of goodbyes.

i've been going to the movies with more frequency than perhaps ever in my life, and unfortunately i haven't wanted to see even one of the movies. not totally really. i have drank wine every day for more days than i can count. maybe twenty. maybe thirty. i had a going away party. i've pandered off all giveaway belongings to friends, which is a really great feeling. moving out furniture and handing over houseplants. the mug you always drank out of. the cd you always envied. another poster off the wall. you'll need something to remember me by. took polaroids and photos of hamtramck disneyland, drove downtown and around belle isle yesterday in the gorgeous weather. ate downtown for perhaps what will be the very last time. this week i have to pack, actually. actually pack...because i haven't. just barely. i have to decide what clothes i will live with and live without. there are tattoo plans, there's a wedding, there are so many goodbyes, and there's driving away. there's me saying, "i'll never do this again" and then the "maybe i'll never see you again."

you meant everything.

2007-03-19T20:34:00.000-04:00

i finally finished the purse, and it is night, so the photos are horrendous. it took so long to actually work up once i got the idea/pattern in my head that i take back ever wanting to have a crocheted handbag line. i did base this on an interweave crochet pattern of a purse that i did a few months ago [i posted pictures of it]...the shape kinda and the spike thing. i did this in cheapo sugar & cream yarn [yarn totalled less than $5 for sure] and i dropped down a hook size or two. i did this on an F...but i think if i could go back and do it again, i would drop it down to an E even [i think that original interweave pattern called for a G..? i think??], a trick i learned from a lady down at cityknits in detroit to make your work sturdier. for a purse, especially, ya know? what i didn't like about the original purse in the end was that it was too "stretchy," like if you put your cell phone, wallet, keys, &tc. in it, it got a little weighed down/stretched out. so if you drop down a couple hook sizes, it will make the whole situation way tighter, i.e., sturdier. yeah...i'd probably go down to an E to make it even sturdier. i'm considering making a baby version/companion to it. just to work it up. i want to make it long and skinny, but that's just not practical for me. i envision making a great yoga mat carrier/bag, but i don't practice yoga soo.... maybe i will make a wine bottle holder. aren't there restaurants in nyc that are byob? laugh. i kinda like the idea. i also love that i worked it up in sugar & cream cotton so it is totally washable. you can see that it's pretty big...use my flannel gnome pajamas as a size guide.

so i'm having a ryan adams phase, and no, i've never had one before. it's weird. i can't tell how i feel about it. it's not helping the "stare-at-the-wall-blankly" thing i have going on right now. i must be waiting for something. maybe it's the big heartbreak. ok. maybe it's the big moment when i get motivated. i lost something this weekend that was recently given to me, and when i realized this today, i had use all my uhm strength to hold back from crying about it. the time i believe is still to come. we drank wine in the movies yesterday, smuggling it in my thermos and a POM bottle. genius, eh?? laugh.

i should be the opposite of bored right now.

so this is how it happens.

2007-03-19T14:58:00.000-04:00

red curry with coconut milk, bean thread noodles [worms?], broccoli, mushrooms, sprouts [worms?], fresh basil
[i hate cooking for one, i never eat it]
i have no idea what to do with myself. i'll be living in brooklyn at this very moment in two weeks. i have so much to do i think, and i have no idea where to start. i'm just wasting time. i finally put my car up for sale today. i can't even bring myself to make a list. or make plans with anyone really, filling in my calendar for the next two weeks. i don't know what to do. maybe i could just grab all of this stuff and hold it in my arms. maybe that's what i'm waiting to do. all i can think of are the ideas of people and place. does place matter? do people matter? what matters? what matters more? present and future/present or future? do we really have the present if we have no future? what if we have no idea about the future, then what becomes of the present? oh i know. drinking too much wine every night, writing about nothing, not laughing enough, staring at the wall, getting nothing done. oh yeah. that.

i'll wear your clothes while we're both high

2007-03-15T21:21:00.000-04:00

it's like we chase organic wine like something..stalk it like some rare bird. it was one of those nights you sleep but you swear you didn't sleep at all. smashed on the couch; it fucks up both shoulders. too fucked up to rub your back. every time i opened my eyes, i swear the same ryan adams song was on. i had a dream about living in brooklyn except it was la, and two people got shot near where i lived, and i walked around worried a gun was pointed at my back. i've felt that before. i woke and recounted it. there's something so comforting in saying "i just had a really bad dream" to someone the moment you escape it. but before i woke when i was running from the guns, i was on the bus trying on my new shoes [ok so officially if you dream of a pair of shoes you want, you should just buy them], and i saw someone i knew, and then i realized i was going the wrong direction on the bus. err, i was on the wrong bus. whatever. i feel like this might be a little foreshadow? that's how it felt in the dream.

so i guess i haven't been making much eye contact with people, but hey...i think i'm going to try to start actually dealing with/internalizing [really i'm acting so unlike myself lately] everything that's going on. with moving and other things. i didn't mean for it to all happen like this, but...this is the way it is happening. time is passing, and this is what is taking place; this is how it all goes down in the month of march in the year 2007. i move away in fifteen days. i never thought it would happen like this. i've never thought of the past, present and future so much. i can't really explain it.

i cooked salmon [note: bake salmon in a foil packet and not just out in the open...375 for 40 mins or so] and asparagus for my mom tonight, and it's one of those things that won't be able to happen too many more times. i have this thing lately of talking about what we'll do one day, and what we'll never do again. maybe it's blackmail. it's hard to predict what you'll really miss. it's hard to predict much of anything. 1/2% accuracy, ya know? i'm getting another tattoo; i never thought i'd be doing that again.

i have a lot of little bits of nothing really to say. but she helped me understand tonight that i need to be talking about all of these things, as i really have not been expressing much of how i feel about what's going on.

this heaven is a bad dream.

2007-03-15T07:10:00.000-04:00

arrived yesterday in spring, in rain, after the type of day you skip school to have: comparing detroit to new orleans, antiques, juice, food, restraint, coffee shop for tea, record store. it felt like ducks floating down a river, all in a row.

left in that kind of wet, heavy snow, squeezing between the school buses, inching along the freeway in the morning black [morning you truly do have to convince yourself of], cars all twisting and bobbing north and east, meandering somewhere in the false morning.

state of hope

2007-03-12T09:56:00.000-04:00

"does this album remind you of me?"
"no."
"then why don't you put it on so it can get ruined too."

we never talk about what we say when the lights are out

2007-03-11T10:37:00.000-04:00

talks all the time of permanence and impermanence. i always understood permanence better than you; i always believed in it. whispering about why to remember; and to counter, even smaller whispers of why to forget. after twenty days i will forget. you want me to forget. i want to forget. you'll never forget, i'll never forget; and talks of permanence that will force remembering. i don't think you want to remember.

spring forward and i move away from all of this in twenty days.

i didn't really lose you, i just lost it for a while

2007-03-06T13:40:00.000-05:00

so much is going on it's hard to follow. lots of phone calls, tons of plans. kicking around the idea of getting drunk every night before i leave. getting drunk and acting stupid on a monday night, somehow rising before the alarm, not hungover [seriously wtf], working in the 7am hour, trader joe's, work for 8 hours, work at home, get drunk, make pon poms. shit's a mess right now and all i can do is go to trader joe's, and they're out of my wine until tomorrow. organic wine is the answer to getting drunk on wine. yeah i might say it 50 times. i have so many people to call back and talk to for an hour that i have to make a list. so much hanging out to do i'll never have time to pack. i really don't want to resort to packing parties.

alright i made it almost until 2...time for subway. or maybe thai. blahhhhhhh.

tunnel to china

2007-03-05T06:28:00.000-05:00

so it happened, and fast. i found a sublet. i'm officially moving to brooklyn on april first [this is where that highly-inflamed sense of event thing is going off like red flags! sirens! going off in my mind! like the scene of an accident! perhaps it's more like a highly-inflamed anticipation of event, really let's be serious here]. a party is already in place. logisitics [driving, not flying; new desk in box, air mattress to start] quickly came into focus. in twenty-six days i'll be in greenpoint, sleeping on an air mattress, wondering what to set a lamp on.

otherwise. i have no idea how i lived without organic wine. you really should try it...without those damned sulfites, wine is not sleepiness-inducing or headache-spell-casting.

oh we love to lose our minds

2007-03-01T07:37:00.001-05:00

rabbit rabbit. i remember this date...no, a day, the day, the day exactly two years and five months ago. it was a reference from which to count time; i remember noting when both a year and two years had passed. and now again, the days are numbered. 30 days.

it's thursday morning but it feels like a sunday morning where i again woke up too early and feel restless. i never notice the sound of the trains here but they're less than a block away. will i live by trains in 30 days? they've always been around, somewhere; i recall them 10 years ago...the same trains cutting through the telephone, narrowing the distance of miles and a river of separation. but then i recall counting time, and i remember hines drive in the fall with the trees so bright like jewels...i swear there was even a sapphire in there if you squinted, i remember being snowed in and fighting and sleeping on her couch, i remember the room upstairs, the one of near-sin, with its tiny bed, and i remember another bed so very well i could draw or paint it with words or brush strokes, i remember taking woodward alone downtown to the show on october first, and i remember the panic in the voices of my friends, and i remember the next day, and the night, and the next and the next. i remember opening a gift in a parking lot after an abdandoned departure and bursting uncontrollably into tears upon seeing finality scratched into the surface. i remember drawing music history on a scrap of paper and noting internally that i would be the only one to ever follow such a thing. and i remember the sound of the drums in that song i replayed and replayed...going in circles, almost yearning, kneading...then hard and almost off-time, like the feeling of being awaken with a kiss in the middle of the night, trying to get your bearings. i remember being on one side of a scale.

sentimentality lately.

lie awake.

2007-02-27T09:12:00.000-05:00

so i guess it's like some fucked up unfortunate fairy tale where the raven-haired maiden has the apple, or ten apples or ten thousand. it's like i've actually come to embody hermia, my poorly played part in a high school version of midsummer. or perhaps it's the manifestation of snow white...and i've been it--pure, actually and unbelievably pure--from the beginning. and as luck would have it [and luck, luck would ALWAYS have it], the first picture on google image search is of snow white... holding an apple. fuck.

i wish i could write better about this.

the stars are crossing, and so are our fingers tonight

2007-02-26T22:16:00.000-05:00

the roar of the engine is calling to you...you'd better answer before it calls someone new... i can't even tell you how many times i've begun to write an entry between friday and now. i dunno what it is. sometimes when things are happening that are so maybe abstract, or intangible--or rather, so maybe utterly untouchable--when this, when that...words skimming life on the surface seem overly verbose, redundant, almost sterile. the radio is broken, she's singing the truth... and still now, i've been staring at the computer screen for minutes, just listening to the music, thinking about driving in the country and being afraid, being afraid of driving in the country in the dark and driving home in the snow. the stars are crossing as lovers' stars do...

to talk about skimming the surface...the betsey johnson dress i was selling on ebay went for 102$. !! so, so crazy...it really makes up for all the shit i sold for 1.99$. or even less. ...
...
...
...

......

more staring at the screen. my stomach has been not so well for about a week now, so i'm on the BRATTY diet, something you're supposed to put your child on to ease, uhm, bowel symptoms.

Bananas
Rice
Applesauce
Toast
Tea
Yogurt

ok, i kinda think it's so funny that i love it. so far, i haven't eaten enough and i'm starving. but i did stuff down a banana today, which was previously on the "hated foods" list.

i'm still moving. in about a month. it's really quite soon.

still remember the way around you

2007-02-23T10:17:00.000-05:00

i find out this weekend about a place in greenpoint, a place i'd be paid for through march. march. march is in only six days. less than a week. this is where my highly-inflamed sense of event kicks full force. i'd actually have two rooms...subletting in ny and having two rooms for a very reasonable price. two rooms...a room with a bed and a room with a computer. but paid for march, i wouldn't be able to move until about mid-march, but that's still less than a month.

sure, moving is imminent but there's still just talk of the past. we talk about taking off and squatting and old dreams and new dreams and if old dreams can become new dreams, or rather, if they should be. shining a flashlight again on all the little coincidences, all the stupid little things that link us over and over and over again, things equally fascinating and futile. taking x-rays of song lyrics and scratching away at them like fiendish animals. taking x-rays and negatives of every word, and flipping the future around, devouring it from angle after angle; concerned about regrets. if only i could could sing or strum..strum something, or bang on something over and over again or make some kind of sound, pleasing or unpleasing or even far too quiet...if that if any of that or just one tiny baby particle of that.

life with a thermos

2007-02-22T10:38:00.001-05:00

sarah and i had both been eyeing the same thermos at starbucks, and to our luck it went on sale, and we scooped them up! life with a thermos is so much better than life without a thermos. it promotes many good things like way-warmer beverages for like 6 hours, saving money, less waste, &tc. and if you get a nice thermos, it's not at all reminiscent of the matching lunchbox + thermos set from grade school where the thermos almost always leaked at least a little.

i'm moving to brooklyn in a little more than a month but maybe earlier. i hope to have my car up for sale sometime next week. i know what i'm selling and not selling of my furniture that will likely be too much for any new york apartment. unless it's a loft, but i've never really been a fan of them, as they kinda lack coziness. i'm scratching every little surface to uncover money. there are so many unknowns right now...so many little leaps of faith i have to make: faith in life, faith in the future, faith that life in the future just "works out." you may or may not know that i worry about a lot of things way in the future that are presently uncontrollable or may even never be of my control. i'm trying to connect strongly with the little leaps of faith; i'm trying to hold onto them steadfast. it's hard to verbalize my excitement, but i do try to dote upon it because it helps cancel out the anger that i feel lately as my other most predominant emotion. but that said, i feel better about myself and who i am, what i want to do with my life and how i want to live it...i feel better than in maybe three years but probably more. it's probably more years. it feels so wonderful to have the insight of 26 years old as opposed to 16 or 20 or even 22. ok it's a little cliche but life's like this train whizzing by you...and if there's something you wanna do, you better run after the train and pull yourself on...because we're really not young forever. in 10 years, old ladies [like the one yesterday who kept saying "no...that's a little too jeune fille for me" about clothes i showed her {really cracked me up}] won't be able to say "yes, you are young."

but at 36, i bet life with a thermos will STILL be good. and by then i hope to fill it with homemade soup!

some things you just gotta be sober for

2007-02-15T11:00:00.000-05:00

ok so i gotta tell you about this thing about how cat power played the chanel spring/summer fashion show. it's totally crazy. pitchfork explains it a bit here [i'm inept at reporting news or recounting anything, really] and gives the link to the video. totally crazy. it's still blowing my mind. if you ever saw cat power play pre-the greatest, then you know that her playing a focused, cohesive, comprehensible set is still nearly unbelievable. i guess she's sober now, and that's the thing. right? but like, if you watch at the end of the video here where the model is out with the wedding gown on, you can see chan cue the band according to where the model is. THAT blew my mind. even more than the truer-to-the-original/peppier version of "satisfaction" [if you ever wanted to know what it sounded like, now you know].

so valentine's day. i never care much about it. yesterday i remembered ones in the past: chocolates from the first kevin [i was 14], some of which i still have in the "kevin box," i having saved all items relating to him in a box, all nearly undisturbed now for 12 years [seriously, wtf], including even a hair of his [no joke]; i remembered receiving the crow on vhs from brian at 15, and perhaps that is also when i gave him my retainer to wear as a necklace; nutella and a baguette from kevin at 18; one valentine's day post-breakup with scott, going to the bar alone to drink and seeing him there, and i don't totally remember; indian food in e.lansing with michael at 22 [22? i dunno]. that's what i remember of valentines day. and this year michelle brought french pastries for us to devour. pink tulips and godiva from my mom. a steak with my dad. there's always some godiva, even if it's just a little bit.

not sure what else there is to talk about. i pour over craiglist excessively. i go through things at home, throwing away at least half of everything. i'm selling things on ebay. no one really wants my stuff, but it's ok. i look at tour schedules for april, and i think about going to shows in nyc and not here. finally seeing every stupid little band i want to see. if i want.

what i need to eat before i leave

2007-02-12T11:09:00.000-05:00

i was going to just oscillate between arby's and taco bell for the rest of my time here, but since i did some research and discovered that there are in fact arby's and taco bell--albeit a very limited amount--in new york city, i now have time to focus on other food. all restaurants and food listed below are those absolutely necessary.

in no particular order with inclusion of must-eat dishes:

- priya [troy]: buffet - at least 1 trip

- fly trap [ferndale]: lemongrass pho bowl, chop chop salad, green eggs and ham - 3 trips

- club bart [brunch/ferndale]: something with veggie sausage, oat cakes - 1 trip

- thai café [royal oak]: drunken noodle, tom yum soup - minimum of 2 trips

- los galanes [mexicantown]: pollo ranchero - minimum of 2 trips [i hear good mexican is a scarcity out in nyc!]

- slow's bbq [detroit]: any sandwich, mac & cheese - 1 trip

- jerusalem gardens [ann arbor]: falafel sandwich - 1 trip

- little tree [royal oak]: seafood paella - 1 trip

- lafayette coney island [detroit]: the obvious - 1 trip

- buddy's pizza [wherever]: pizza, antipasto salad - 1 trip

- la shish [wherever]: anything and everything - 1 trip [this is imperative, as i KNOW there is no good middle eastern out there!]

*what i didn't include because i think i'll be able to get just as good versions in nyc [but if you think/know that i am incorrect, let me know!]: polish food, blue nile, noble fish

**bonus! current, pre-move favorite nyc places to eat: max brenner, clinton street bakery, hampton chutney company, momofuku

yes, i over-decorate and over-hyphenate

2007-02-11T13:36:00.001-05:00

i brought a bottle of red hot with me to work today. i should already be one of those people who carries a bottle of red hot in her purse at all times, but when i move it will definitely be an addition to my extraneous character.

four. it's been four great new detroit bars in one week. centaur and buzz bar last weekend, and cliff bell's and the park bar last night. ok, everyone needs to understand how amazing cliff bell's is. it's a renovated old jazz club/bar, and it's a total timewarp in there. in a good way and not a stuffy way. there's live x-piece jazz band playing most nights. the drinks aren't ridiculously overpriced, and all different types/ages of people can feel comfortable there. it's classy, but not overly classy. you don't have to worry about what you're wearing or anything like that.

what is the phase that i'm in that i only want to listen to 80s kindasofthits bands? i have that church song "under the milky way" in my work ipod playlist, and everytime it ends i wanna run in the back and play it again. but then the pretenders comes on or something, and it makes up for it.

and all i can think about is moving and the city. it's at times like these that my highly-inflamed sense of event kicks in overdrive. so inflamed. there are so many things/concepts my head is wrapping and wrapping around, like taffy. one of the best thing is something michelle said about a month ago: "it feels like your stock goes up when you're in new york." and it's true; i feel so meritless here. like anything that's good about me or just maybe good about me doesn't much matter here. if i was half the person i am, i'd probably still be sitting right here. living the same life. that's pretty fucked up. i could be half everything--even half of the girlfriend i was [yeah i'm dealing with a breakup]--HALF everything i am and was and ever have been and will be, and would life be any different? i'd still be living in ferndale, comfortably making rent and dinner. i need to go somewhere where it matters how well-spoken i am [ok or am not!], and how interesting and how crazed and how intelligent and how good-looking and how stylish and how hard-working and determined...you know? because if you aren't a trust fund kid, you actually have to work there--and work beyond mere employment. it's the life-actual manifestation of my new year's resolution, which was something about understanding what i am capable of. i'm moving to push myself, to be a little fish in an overwhelmingly-huge ocean, to pull out of myself who i really am and what's great or brilliant or shitty about me, and i'm moving to figure out what's really important in life. it's just too easy, so much too easy here, you don't have to REALLY want or REALLY work for much. not that hard. the amount of resignation here..it's suffocating. unfortunate and suffocating. and it's been rubbing off on me. i've had the same "going-nowhere" job for 7 years. i even got an english degree in there. i've never made a resume because i haven't had to. the capital P peggy would wag her finger at that; anyone should. i haven't applied for the last three second jobs i've had either; i've just been offered them. so when i say that detroit just isn't working out for me anymore, reference that. i need to learn some fucking spirit as a groveling little fish. peeeeep!

sorry for the length, but i think this is gonna happen a lot lately.

your messed-up life still thrills me

2007-02-06T14:15:00.000-05:00

it's been a couple weeks, but my eating habits are back to normal. far less indulgent, far less prepared than when i'm not single. right now it's a wheat pita with turkey, hummus and herb salad with homemade vinagrette [thanks dottie!]. with no one to cook for or eat with anymore, i won't waste the time on cooking anything. throw things together, yes, but nothing that would actually constitute cooking. i guess i won't be writing a comfort food cookbook anytime soon. it's ok, i had been missing myself for some time; it can be nice to have almost-too-much time alone.

i have a date with 1997 tonight. lately, it feels as though i had been clutching onto a raft at sea for some time, and i've washed up on shore gasping for breath, sucking in mouthfuls of the past. there's some past i thought would never catch up with me, and then there's the past i can't catch up with. it's like i'm a cop, kind of like in the movie se7ven, and i'm steps/months/miles behind what i'm after. and then very late last night, i was officially forgiven for something i had done wrong six or so years ago. it's all so weird. what's the present? what about the future? i think i actually do know the future better than the present.

valleys for our styluses

2007-02-04T12:50:00.000-05:00

valleys for our styluses
i'm idle, fidgety today. i woke up a little earlier today, and i didn't know what to do with myself. i didn't even make coffee, i just left. no shower, nothing. wandered around trader joe's for a while, then target for about an hour. they have really cute stuff there right now. i picked up blue canvas wedges [i think i'm officially anti-heel and pro-wedge] that kinda work into that 70s/80s naturalizer sandal thing i'm really into. all i ever dream up are outfits in the dead-of-winter with light, dead-of-summer skirts with really thick tights and sandals. target also has really cute purses/bags right now. like WAY cute. the girls are like vultures on that shit too. bags in the best colors hung soley; brand new stock at target in troy nearly totally picked over. all i really lust after, however, are vintage clothes. i bought an old but impeccable green girl scout jumper the other day at lost and found, and it makes for the perfect outfit. the best thing about style and things coming back in style is that when old shapes/styles from the 50s/60s are backbackback, buying the original makes it even that much better. sometimes i feel so downtown d's are seeping out of my skin. and i even shop at ann taylor, in the petites even. officially.

last night we barhopped. first was centaur, the art-deco-throwback place across from the town pump. everything about that place was great, and we especially loved the music -- a mix of all our favorite old 80s remixed and ambient stuff. like i walked in, and they were playing tricky. they even played stuff off that first unkle album. we had drinks and snacks: martinis, old stand-bys, minty lamb chops, honey-y chicken skewers, crab-stuffed mushrooms, cheese plate. the presentation was great. centaur is like no other bar in detroit, and it's something we really needed. in my old age, i'm getting more accepting of sleekness in bars -- i don't feel the need to always be hanging out in the grungiest of places. maybe that's a little uptown of me. ehhh, no. then we went to the bronx for a bit, which was surprisingly not-packed at all and kinda too mellow. so we went to the buzz bar, which is totally different than anything in detroit, and i was really into it. electronic music, pizza...i don't even know how to explain it. i liked it. i feel like they might have different nights there, and i'd like to see if the vibe gets changed up there. it felt like chicago.

so it's sunday, i'm at work, and i don't know what to do with myself. it's sunday, and i'm reading newsweek and bust at work, and i guess i'm just waiting around. there's nothing planned for a couple months; nothing to punctuate time anymore. it's kind of numbing.

when good days turn bad

2007-02-03T10:29:00.000-05:00

i have so much work that i won't be able to do anything with the day except sit here and type. blah.

i finished putting a keyhole in the shell scarf [super easy {even vertically}, it's just like a big buttonhole]. started the happy hooker violet beauregard [never noticed the translation of that name until now!] last night, which will be in cream and ecru butterfly mercerized cotton.

that's it. i have the blues. and a BAD attitude!

rabbit rabbit

2007-02-01T10:31:00.000-05:00

this week i figured out it's cheaper to pay parking tickets in birmingham than to pay for parking if you work here. *knock on wood.* pretty rad.

i'm still working through the happy hooker lace gloves, and they are quite a doozy. the pattern has many mistakes in it, and even with the pdf of fix-its from the editor, it's still frustrating. i took my frustrations to the blogs/message boards last night, and to my delight, i found many similarly-frustrated crocheters across place and time. the pattern makes us all want to throw things at the wall. it's good to know i'm not alone. i figure winging it is better than following the pattern at this point, and i'm unsure if i will even make two. my mom said it's just not the kinda of thing you should be crocheting. i might not even finish one at all at this point, abandoning it instead to rip out half that sherbet shell scarf in attempts to put a big keyhole [vertical! it's gonna be hard] in it.

other things that are cool include my sister being on martha stewart soon. they went to tape it today, so i think it will be on within the next couple days. !! i'll keep you posted.

"he needs to get over himself"

2007-01-31T11:47:00.000-05:00

good things are trader joe's global nut mix, all the new clothes, courtesy of the big sale at ann taylor, getting ready to write crochet patterns soon, yummy mexican food yesterday.

the bad things are waking up at least once an hour last night, hands that never warm up, wanting a cupcake, watching the mail too closely, tepid coffee. and for the sake of both of us, jeanne needs to visit more often. or vice versa.

i've been feeling like myself lately

2007-01-29T10:38:00.001-05:00

the seafood paella from little tree is amazing. rice, sauce, oodles of scallops, shrimps, squids and even a massive CRAB CLAW. ha. you probably don't know, but crab is my favorite food. man. i don't mean to promote yuppiedom too much [and i don't necessarily recommend them for their sushi], but seafood paella, so so good.

there hasn't been heat at work in two days. when i walked in today, the thermostat read 46. it's too cold to crochet. just as i typed that, the heat clicked on. yay!

all i want to listen to are dance hits by fujiya and miyagi, junior boys, tom tom club. i notice myself straying further and further from indie pophits, "active listening" music as i have called it. i don't want to sing along anymore, just dance along. it's an age thing i think.

tonight i come out of hiding and actually go out. i've been feeling like myself lately. it's worth nearly a million dollars.

fumbling with your blouse

2007-01-28T13:15:00.001-05:00

it took going to yoga [real yoga, not the rec center shit] this morning to realize that what i want to pratice really is ballet. i don't hate yoga, but my shoulder injury does. my wrists do. i'm pretty sure i don't have the determination to get through this post-yoga arm/shoulder/wrist pain until i get stronger and that pain isn't there anymore. i'm scared. i wish i still had insurance so i could go back to the doctor and have him tell me what i can/should do. it kinda sucks because i baby my right arm [i'm right-hand-dominant], so in turn i never build up any strength at all. but trying to build up strength aggravates it so much. guidance! meh.

the crocheted belt from happy hooker is just about done, i just gotta weave the ends in and corset that shit up. i picked up yarn for the fingerless gloves in that book at cityknits the other day too, so that's gonna be in the works too. i'll post pictures of the belt today. or tomorrow. btw, cityknits totally wins the yarn store contest [yes, there was one]. the ladies down in the fisher building [btw, the store moved from downstairs to upstairs recently, a couple storefronts down from pure detroit], they are 1000% more knowledgeable and helpful than anyone up here. all shops included. they have the perfect mix of non-pushy-ness and helpful-ness. also, they have WAY more yarn than any store up here. you should support cityknits. it's worth the drive, the parking, &tc. trust me on this. i've been going to the shops around here for about two years now, and only now have i finally made up my mind.

can i make a new year's resolution that begins now? i'm a little late, i know. this year, i want to become more able to accept criticism and more resiliant. is it possible to be too self-reflective? i'd like to share the wealth.

what's past

2007-01-25T06:52:00.000-05:00

everything's changing at light-speeds. or so it seems. there's so much 1997 around me, i'm nearly choking on it. there's onionskin in hand, but it's not moving. all i can think about is making things. starting the happy hooker corset belt today. i gotta. i wish i was eating cookies with jeanne in a hotel room in texas.

bottom

2007-01-20T14:18:00.000-05:00

you asked?

the tiny tote, finished
pattern from interwearve crochet magazine
greek butterfly mercerized cotton yarn

bought this yarn yesterday
from have you any wool? in berkley

started shell stitch scarf

it looks like sherbet and spring

birmingham mornings

2007-01-18T10:45:00.001-05:00

the top of coffee crumb crummy whateverthefuck cakes is REALLY sugary. here at work we lightly kick around the idea of better choices vs. not better choices of goody-yummies from starbucks. hi, my name is peggy and i work in birmingham and go to starbucks everyday. for a while i just chalked it up to having a non-operative coffeemaker at home. but today, having rose at 5.30 am to type until i had to come here, i had ample time to drink the necessary amount of coffee for a morning peggy, but still -- i had to go to starbucks for a tea. need the morning warmth. ok, i'll chalk it up to that. and the crummy cake [ok it was yummy not crummy], honey o's at 6 am can only hold a peggy over for so long! ok, the point is that i go to starbucks every day i work, at least once. oh yeah, i forgot to add that in there. if i work open to close, it's real hard to just go once. things like this are all about blood sugar and caffeine "highs" [depends on if you're chasing the dragon or not...anyone ever remember the caffeine dragon? {note to self: remember more dragons}], up and down, get high and come down and recover. what is the recover? i don't even know. recovering from up or down? anyway, but there are way worse businesses to support -- did you know that? starbucks, you're bad to me in a unfortunately sweetie good way [the marble loaf is nearly in my personal food pyramid], but you're not THAT bad. it's better than smoking, and i can say that with 100% confidence. starbucks is also a LEAN company, meaning that they have gone through training given by my partner-in-crime's place of employment. starbucks and birmingham, though, is a pretty lethal little combo meal.

it's a wilco morning. i guess. i don't really like wilco that much. i'd rather be listening to beach house. or maritime. hey, if you like pop like AT ALL and haven't listened to maritime, you're doing yourself a disservice. trust me. it's ALMOST to the point of like how if you like mellow music and you haven't listened to iron and wine, you're totally blowing it. it's a few centimeters away from that.

i have some pictures to post, but i'm really lagging on getting some of the nice things done in life right now. i'm catching up on the weekend, promise. i finished the tiny tote crochet bag, and there'll be pictures of that. in the last month i got a new camera, a laptop, a food processor, a crock pot and a fancy coffeemaker -- kind of overwhelming! it's kind of under control almost, actually, believe it or not.

are we supposed to be thinking of spring already? i can't stop thinking about flowers covered by snow.

i think kevin shields is a liar.

2007-01-15T07:26:00.000-05:00

it's the month of ex-boyfriends' birthdays. it's really weird, actually, to watch the days pass and note everyone turning an official year older. i recall saying i had generalized luck with capricorns, but in retrospect seeing as a couple of them and i don't speak anymore, perhaps this isn't as true. scott, sean, michael, brian. and i'm missing some someones in there, too.

anyway. i've been working on getting things in order around here. xmas still floods the house, but i'm in no rush. yesterday was the day of opening-the-boxes-of-small-home-appliances. a new, fancy coffeemaker that grinds its own beans. a crockpot. a food processor. i cook now, it's weird, i know. last night i baked a whole chicken, old-school-style, with potatoes and carrots and celery and onions in the roasting pan. terry and i tried to make a chop salad with the food processor, but i don't think it can do that? does anyone know? today is day one of crock potlife, the beef stew. the very first beef stew. today my laptop arrives at my door, finally. i want to make cupcakes everyday, and i might start. i dream of making my home a flowers-and-cupcakes-on-the-table-all-the-time type of home. it's possible, i just have to swallow the cost.

name another word for : foils

2007-01-12T18:33:00.000-05:00

rat on station platform
life is overwhelming. i often liken it to the arcade [i'm thinking chuck e. cheese, specifically] game whack-a-mole. you know what i'm talking about? here:

whack-a-mole game
anyway...so life's overwhelming, so life's like whack-a-mole, whatever. this isn't whining, it's rambling! since i didn't drive my car for a few weeks [it's hard when your boyfriend has a brand new one!], my battery died, began to omit juices, was corroded, smoked, &tc. still working on getting that working. the coffeemaker my sister bought me for xmas doesn't work, and i HAVE to make it to hudson's [yeah i said it] this weekend to get one with a bright red working led screen. things that are good are getting WAY into crosswords courtesy of jeanne this week. today we bought crossword books, and i'm already addicted. we're starting out slow and easy, nice. nice, nice. tomorrow's a massive card party over here, crazy. my xmas stuff is still up, but i think it is almost everywhere. what's with that? work has been pretty quiet, but we are having a massive sale. you should come in. you can afford it, i know it! this american life was really, really great today. still working on finishing the tiny tote yeah-i-know-you-hated-the-colors-but-now-you-love-them crochet project. jeanne and i are working on designing laptop sleeves/cases/carrying pouches/things, and it's going to be amazing. i wish i could say that we're gonna make a million dollars off the idea. i guess you never know. tomorrow there are THREE amazing-looking estate sales in sterling heights. seriously! man. what a good day. i want to make potato leek soup, very very soon. i should work on a-soup-a-week goal, but that's not enough soups for a week! food processor, slow cooker, your time is so, so soon. anyone like the beach house album? i do. i'm starting to feel like such as old person, or old-minded or something. loving all these bands [see: beach house, radio dept.] that are big-time throwbacks to my old-timey [timer?] spacey music. blah. how boring!

so many things to make and do. thai soups, for one. slow cooker meatballs. a whole chicken in the slow cooker. more cilantro, more basil.

there was a dearth of pictures from my trip. here's a few:

tom yum soup at tiny thai

panang curry at tiny thai

steamed bun with chicken at momofuku

pork ramen at momofuku

mama's

sleepy? or mad? in brooklyn

we're in there, somewhere; nye, room4dessert

some things about life are that

2007-01-11T11:07:00.000-05:00

on the plus side, today i brought to work the cord that connects my ipod to my stereo at home as an aux, and now i can listen to my ipod at work! trite, superfluous, whatEVER! this is seriously like the greatest thing ever. i wanna run around the store and do a little dance. maybe i will.

on the not-so-plus side, my partner-in-crime is visiting, and i've been working a lot. but it's good to just have her around, kinda pretend that we don't live really far away from each other. :)

other things about life include my initiation project [super cute purse] back into crochet, and it's pretty fun. the more i crochet, the more i want to crochet. it's nice when things work like that and can actually be feasible. jeanne and i are both considering forsaking knitting forever. seriously, if you knit and don't crochet, you should try, and you too can join us on the [kitchsy] dark side.

i'm going to eat subway real soon. pretty exciting!

segments

2007-01-01T21:41:00.000-05:00

resolutions[/goals]:

→ understand what i am capable of [and do it!]
→ learn how to make soup
→ get rid of having too much stuff
→ read more books
→ more patience
→ get more of what i want/deserve; learn how not to try to please everyone all the time and just please myself
→ listen to more new music than i did in 2007
→ say "dude" less
→ spend less money on food; eat more veggies
→ buy a laptop and finally be happy
→ work more

nyc[+etcs.]+es:
→ central park west apt. close proximity to subway lines
→ north end hospitality
→ boston ass shaking
→ the acela
→ momofuku
→ new friends and new jokes
→ clinton street bakery [SERIOUSLY AMAZING]
→ chinatown jewelry [golden sow with dangling baby piggies sucking on the tits necklace]
→ goodie-yummie desserts [and nothing scary like beer ice cream] and hospitality at room4desssert on nye.

nyc-es:
→ smac being closed for holidays
→ monday's rain
→ brooklyn's sketchiness
→ the fung wah non-stop trip!
→ the insanely long line for the fung wah today
→ chinatown's usual insanity
→ herald square macy's post-holiday insanity
→ didn't eat a hot dog
→ rat count: 2 [one on LES and one on subway platform {i ran after it and took pictures}}

2006-12-26T13:34:00.000-05:00

birthday and xmas, both great.

flying to nyc this evening! then boston, then back!

my sister, my partner-in-crime!!!

i so want to go ice skating in the city.

make what happy how

2006-12-18T19:53:00.000-05:00

how about just cancelling xmas this year? or..what about all holidays all the time?

i don't even know what i feel like saying today. i'll be 26 on saturday and back in new york in almost a week.

i need more couch time.

here's some pictures:

chicken breasts stuffed with feta cheese, sundried tomato and red pepper
super yummy and easy -- here's the recipe ---> make it!

terry and his coupon organizer, laugh

baby mckenna growing up!

award-winning cookies by angela and megan

drunk

drunk

no picture me.

so what about this year?

2006-12-18T07:36:00.000-05:00

in a few:

i'm getting older; wiser? i'm learning i can't party like i used to; i can barely drink. we all attribute our problem to age...after 24 or so, everything unfortunate is due to age. i traveled the perfect amount, but i didn't fall in love with enough music. i "can cook" now, and i've redevoted myself to avid estate sailing to buy "crap" to drive everyone crazy. i feel more comfortable in my body now, and i have terry to thank for that. i knew i would. with him, it's been a year of laughing. who ever knew i was so silly? i'm learning my vulnerabilities, and nearly, i'm becoming more vulnerable. well i guess that's what a weak person would say. compared to one year ago, i am markedly stronger. i'm learning not to reveal any of this. or rather, i should be! i've spent a year watching loads of change affect everyone around me, almost a despairing amount. but some, i fear, have not changed at all. my friends came steps closer. i earned less money. i danced just enough. i didn't eat enough sushi. i shopped too much. i didn't keep my hair dyed black or my room clean. so many things never change.

next year i will try very, very hard to understand what i am capable of.

things blown

2006-12-10T13:38:00.000-05:00

jeremy enigk was so good last night that i feel like i dreamt it.

he played return of the frog queen in near entirety, two tracks of the leland soundtrack, a u2 cover and some of his new album.

so, so crazy. his voice and performance are impeccable. after so many years!

saturday morning

2006-12-02T10:53:00.000-05:00

i love:

bowling alley jello shots, terry parris teaching me to bowl and never losing his patience, candles burning all the time, lots of xmas/crafty projects.

under the influence

2006-12-01T07:55:00.000-05:00

someone said to me last night, "you're a whole new woman now," but i don't think it's much true at all. i got glasses, and i'm still half-stumbling around trying to get used to them because this is my first prescription ever. i work part-time at a boutique in birmingham now, and i really love it because i work with some really great girls. more good influence. i need to make all of my money not working inside the house, it's stifling. the house is much under construction at the moment as i slowly work to get all these xmas decorations decorating. the weather turned yesterday, and i'm so behind on my work this morning. and i'm boring!

in photos

2006-11-22T15:08:00.000-05:00

frankenmuth:

so maybe needing some new adjectives

2006-11-20T10:34:00.000-05:00

okay, not saving the best for last today. this plastic thanksgiving "centerpiece" [?] is the new "best thing" in the house.

BEST THING EVER

c'mon, how could you not LOVE those faces?

others would say that terry's BULL is the "best thing" in the house. whatever.

whatever!

so, i didn't write about it, but last weekend i went to nyc to visit my sister. we crammed lots of things into my short stay. she was off friday, so first we went to the museum of natural history, which i was SO pumped for. unfortunately and surprisingly, i found it kind of boring, and the amount of school children there [reportedly 68 busloads!] was totally patience-trying.

my most-hated animal

favorite display, by far

unrealistic?

this is what baby bear terry looks like in the morning when he doesn't wanna get up and won't let go of me

then we ate a late lunch at jean-georges, the restaurant at which my sister is an extern. it's a really fancy, really really good restaurant. in the top three in the city. we didn't take pictures there, but we ate amazing/crazy food like venison and frog legs and shrimp sashimi [i think?/!], and we also got a ton of extra desserts on the house. i was SO stuffed. cramming mini macaroons and chocolates in my mouth. i wish i had a pic of that! i definitely had a food baby after that. we shopped afterwards and had a late snack/dinner at yaffa café on the lower east side, which has the BEST decor of any establishment i've been to [the second being "the jesus bar" in paris plastered completely with religious iconography and the bathrooms in porn].

changing shoes in columbus circle

she had to work saturday, so i let the wind blow me around the city. i spent most of my time in greenwich village/east village and union square area.

the new nyc see! [what a ridiculous phrase, man, ha]

after work, steph met me at union square to feast at max brenner. and we did! we got the big-big "sharing" plate, which included waffles with candied bananas, a chocolate cup with pop rocks, a bunch of other stuff [pictured] AND chocolate fondue AND roasting marshmallows. seriously. ha! and we ate the whole thing! max brenner's is my absolute favorite new place. i want to go there on my birthday and every single occasion and every non-occasion in between.

YUM!!

sunday was the chocolate show, and steph had to help out with johnny iuzzini's [her boss] demo. afterwards we walked around, sampling chocolate goody-yummies like green tea truffles and dessert wines [i went back for seconds, of course!].

with her boss

after all that, we went with two girls she works with to a wine bar on the LES where we had crazy cheeses and paninis and then to a brand-new japanese dessert bar [dessert bars are the new black, er, bars] and ate nuts desserts like tofu cheesecake and things with black sesame and some things that were good and some that were gross and some that made me gag. but i didn't show it. :)

terry and i are going to frankenmuth tomorrow for some simulacraic german decadence. all-you-can-eat chicken &tc., jacuzzi, five pools, largest xmas store!!! i can't wait to pronounce all the german words with a french accent. !

"i'm so proud of your inadequacy."

2006-11-19T11:12:00.000-05:00

after 20+ years of wishing and wanting and hoping, it's official:

I NEED GLASSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

adventures further into domesticity - THE POT ROAST

2006-11-15T17:36:00.000-05:00

this recipe makes the BEST pot roast i've ever eaten [sorry mom], and what's the very best about it is that it makes oodles of the certifiably-yummiest gravy ever, which comes in handy when you're new to the kitchen. i couldn't make a good gravy from scratch if my life depended on it. trust me, this has amazing flavor. upon checking on it halfway through baking, i couldn't stop eating spoonful after spoonful of the scrumptious gravy, straight out of the pan. serve with mashed potatoes, your favorite canned vegetable [ok, you can use a fresh veggie if you need to up the yuppie factor] and lots of fresh bread [to sop up all that gravy!].

The "Oh-My-God-This-Gravy-Is-So-Good" Super-Easy Pot Roast

Ingredients:

2-3 lbs. chuck roast
2 cans cream of mushroom soup
1 envelope onion soup mix
1 medium onion, sliced thin
Whole carrots (as many as you want or can fit in the pan), peeled
1 tsp thyme (dried)
Salt
Garlic powder
Pepper
2 cups water with beef bouillon

1. Place roast in pan and season with thyme, salt, pepper and garlic powder. Be light with the salt, as the mushroom soup and onion soup powder are very salty on their own.

2. Sprinkle the dry soup mix on top of meat.

3. Spread both cans of mushroom soup on top of that.

4. Place onions and carrots around meat.

5. Pour beef bouillon water over top of meat.

6. Seal roasting pan tightly with foil and bake at 350°F for about 3 hours.

little one, you're not alone

2006-11-05T12:24:00.000-05:00

sunday; two milestones:

1) terry and i are making our first frittata, i.e., the initiation into the simple life [read: refusal to make OMELETTE {also see first trial of such}], i.e., initiation into yuppie-dom. right? RIGHT? recipezaar, again [and again and again] came to the rescue. i must admit to being absolutely addicted to that site. no idea how the frittata will turn out, as it is cooking up as i write, but the smell of the fresh basil [read: loved-by-yuppies] on a sunday morning is inimitable.

2) we went up the four-at-a-time plan on netflix, i.e., sinking further into the nightly dinner [homemade] and a movie [rental] [seven-months-into-dating-style]. winter will invariably also help this trend along.

tomorrow i'm going to write about PlanFirst. free birth control? yes, yes, YES, it's true!

i've always had a problem with the passive voice

2006-10-24T10:00:00.000-04:00

marie antoinette is gorgeous but forgettable, much unlike coppola's last film, lost in translation [both gorgeous AND absolutely unforgettable; cult/obsessive-worthy]. c'est ça!

deep in the thick of watching all scary movies until halloween, we finished the shining last night and watched the original texas chainsaw massacre. admittedly, until the latter none of them frightened me much at all. but TCM, i wanted to turn it off the whole time. i think i'm scarred. and it certainly didn't help that terry assured me the whole time that it was in fact based on true events. !

in non-movie-ness stuff, the view outside my window is gorgeous this morning. we're nearly at peak of fall color, and it's finally sunny out today. the sky is perfect, perfect blue. we reorganized the middle room in the house, adding the china cabinet of my namesake, removing the leaf from the table, shuffling the plants around to give attention to those waning. i'll be filling up the china cabinet with my old barware collection, something that has never been on complete display. i had a dream last night where i acted like a mediocre jerk to terry and he wrote me a letter, which i recall being dotted with many words IN CAPITAL LETTERS, in which he also told me IN CAPITAL LETTERS, "YOU'RE FIRED!" laugh.

terry is dressing up as flava flav for halloween, and his costume is quite amazing, if i may say so myself. i went on a wild goose chase to track down the viking helmet [DEEP on the easssiiide!], but it was absolutely worth it. i plan to spray-paint the outside of the clock metallic gold before the big party we go to this weekend. for comfort [whining/bitching/melodramatics], i'm not wearing the dirndl this weekend and instead will be going back into the vaults to don the superman outfit from two years ago. i almost feel like i'm sticking my hand into a jar of something that's been lying, nearly dormant [only nearly], revisiting something that should not be revisited. jesus, it's a costume. wtf am i talking about.

just doesn't stop being funny

EDIT: how could i forget?!!! terry sold 1700$ worth of glasses to BOB SEGER yesterday!

please go easy on me

2006-10-20T16:26:00.000-04:00

mehhhr, bleeerrrrr...busy, busy. splitting up the entire contents of a house [too-full] among three people with limited space. grrrrr. so much cleaning and reorganizing. new job starting soon. everyone's getting their shit in place lately, it's good. this is the first friday i haven't yet left the house by this time in years. and years, probably. and still, i won't have finished the entire to-do list. meh! i could not live without cleaning wipes. and baby wipes. and you shouldn't have to either.

here's my new favorite dinner to make. it's the easiest thing ever, really. and kind of home cookin' [read: trashy?]-ish. every minute terry eats this meal, he repeats over and over how delicious [deelishis?] it is. like a monk! it's amazing. i kinda want to come out with the hipster's home cookin' non-vegan, non-healthy, back-to-basics, highly-simplified, no-need-to-stop-at-the-yuppie-market, shmoo-who?, no-green-veggie/canned-veggies-only cookbook.

Chicken Breasts and Stuffing Bake

Ingredients:

1 pkg Stove Top Stuffing
1 can Campbell's cream of chicken soup [or cream of mushroom]
2 chicken breasts [or more]
1/3 cup sour cream
1/8 cup milk
Seasonings: Paprika, garlic powder, onion powder, salt and pepper
1 2/3 cups hot water
1/2 stick of butter or less if you want, room temperature
Cooking spray

1. Combine stuffing mix, butter and hot water in a large bowl until the butter is melted.

2. Lightly coat 13x9 Pyrex dish with cooking spray.

3. Season chicken on both sides and place in the center of the dish.

4. Mix soup, milk and sour cream in a bowl. Pour/spoon mixture evenly over chicken and around.

5. Spoon some of the stuffing over chicken. Spoon remaining stuffing around the rest of the dish.

6. Bake at 375 degrees for 50 minutes or until chicken is cooked through. Most of the stuffing should be yummy-gooey, and some on top should be crisy-goodie.

Serve with mashed potatoes [yep, carb overkill] and your favorite canned vegetable! No need for gravy!

in the depths of the maize maze

2006-10-17T09:47:00.000-04:00

life lately is made up of all the things you only do in relationships. it's like a whole life that wouldn't exist if it weren't for this other person by your side [arms wrapped, legs intertwined, toes woven up]: watching scary movies every day until halloween [so far the exorcist, silent hill, half of {we fell asleep} the omen {original}], dinner on the coffee table every night, purchasing 30$ worth of meat at costco for the next two weeks, the need to buy a larger blanket, buying too many sweets at the grocery store [cupcakes and oreos in cart and buying ice cream, "but what will we eat in the nights when we want something sweet?"], removing the pillows off the couch to accommodate two, making up funny dances in the car, eating too many donuts at the cider mill.

i'm a little girl in this

kevin, so mad

the tigers, they're going to the world series, ya know?

big dildo

after two donuts, and some of mine

you don't REALLY pick your pumpkins

instead, terry danced among them

really, he was chasing after a grasshopper; i love him for things like that

but i love him less for spearing pumpkins with the BIG STICK he wielded around the patch

i tried to reenact the get up kids/weakerthans/flashpapr album covers, but terry just had to get all emo in the maize maze

so i gave him the tongue, bitch

does your love only come in a volvo?

2006-10-10T17:20:00.000-04:00

i scooped up that boy from the airport [new shoes! and all], and now all is right and good and happy again. i'm still a little sick, somehow. it's too many days. soon it will be so, so cold out. boar's head londonport roast beef is perhaps the best thing i've ever eaten. okay, at least it's my new favorite. tonight i'm making what should be a great dinner. i kind of want to start incorporating food/recipes into this blog. we will see! this weekend we're going to the cider mill! so many things to do, so many things to make oneself happy, so many things to be happy about. right? let's all stay positive and hopeful, everyone and friends, okay? i sense some of you faltering a bit. do you need "hope" tattooed on your wrist too, or have i taken care of it for all of us?

i miss diagramming sentences in high school. i really, really loved it. perhaps i should get a job doing it. i bet that pays well!

when's the last time you cleaned the sink with a toothbrush?

2006-10-09T10:57:00.000-04:00

terry comes home today. exactly six months and one day after he pulled me into a closet with him, pulled me so close and inserted me into his life. but really, it's more romantic than that. lots of little tasks today and barely any work. meh. i cleaned out the refrigerator of gross shit and forgotten leftovers. it was absolutely disgusting. i wanted to just toss the tupperware containers straight into the trash without even opening them up, but i was good, and cleaned every last one of them. i didn't even gag! laugh, jesus. i broke the second and last of the "detroit tigers '88" glasses today, boo! i hope that's not a bad sign! my finger did receive a small gash, but i can't imagine cutting my hand to the point of needing medical attention and not having health insurance. i'd be looking for the best seamstress in town to give me stitches.

i'm here to take you now

2006-10-06T09:07:00.000-04:00

it's friday, and i don't feel the usual glee i do on fridays. i've been sick all week with rigid concentration upon finishing my work and then doing nothing. it's been all kleenex, couch, pills, bread, nutella, tossing-and-turning, half-sleep, waking-up-by-terry's-texts, sleeping and barely sleeping. the weather's changing, and terry's missing some of the real days of fall, days that are invariably so, so scant. i'm missing them too. everything in the house is untouched since jeanne left. my overnight bag and dirty clothes strewn on the floor of my room, half-unpacked. i think i dreamt of her every night since she left. yeah, it's like that. the blankets jeanne used still lie, stacked upon the rarely-sat-on recliner. the folds of the blankets look like the pancakes from cloudy with a chance of meatballs. for some reason, i can never forget the iconography from that book. like the picture of the children, their faces blue-tinged with cold, forcing down peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the nth day. i almost feel nauseous just thinking of that drawing. and terry's vacation-cast-off items dot the house, almost as if he had never flown to north carolina. like i just asked him to put away the dirty socks, and i'm waiting. technology nowadays brings everyone closer, and through the swiftness of text messaging it sometimes feels like he's just on the other couch, texting me so i don't have to turn around to converse. but maybe only once have we sat on separate couches here, so i know that many miles really do lie between us. i'm driving to wyandotte, to ann arbor, to home today, and i'm so gracious the sky's thick, thick blue without even one cloud over ferndale, michigan.

cat got yr tongue?

2006-10-02T14:48:00.000-04:00

no time for words. just work and sleep.

hotel boredom, ya know

that "pond" i was talking about; gag me

oh but ducks? real ducks?!

cutie

cutie

clean that lettuce!!

kiss me on the bus

2006-10-01T13:59:00.000-04:00

it feels like so much happened this week, but i'm not sure if it actually did. it's as if we all caught a strong wind underneath our shoes. nearly everyone close to me is traveling around or in the process of change, including myself.

spending this week with jeanne was so great it's inexplicable via the written word, spoken word, hand symbols, musical notes, &tc. i hadn't entirely realized the full spectrum of what i was missing from/about her until this week. she makes me strong, and that's absolutely invaluable. one day we will live in the same city, it just has to happen. she's doing so well in life, and i'm so proud of her i can't fully express that either.

downers grove, illinois is one of the most boring places i've ever been. it's like troy, michigan but worse. downers grove and the surrounding area [oak brook, especially] is so so absolutely boring and saturated with chain stores and big-box stores and outdoor malls [we're lucky to not have one, i think, and retain still our actual "downtown areas {starbucks or no starbucks}]. it's boring. it's the same thing, over and over again. nothing interesting. i sat by a man-made pond with ducks for about an hour, and it was so absolutely totally totally boring. the streets are far too wide around there, and the lights are entirely too long. the only good thing about downers grove is that it has the brazilian restaurant, sal and carvão churrascaria*, where i had the best dining experience of my entire life. it's an all-you-can-eat MEAT restaurant. it's so amazing and worth every penny of its extravagance. the cookies** at the doubletree hotel are amazing, and just before we left i was offered a job***. looks like i won't have to go back to retail. not just yet at least.

my sister moved to manhattan yesterday! she begins working at jean-georges tomorrow. i'm so absolutely proud and excited for her, and i don't have enough words or hand symbols or grunts for that either.

terry left for north carolina yesterday, and it was mehhhhh sleeping without him. it's far too cold for long vacations! my feet, in socks and slippers, are still little ice cubes, and i'm getting sick with pharyngitis again. and i'm whining now. back to work!

*there is also one in downtown chicago, so go to that one
**though kristin's oatmeal and chocolate chip cookies are rivaling doubletree's
***the job is not at the doubletree

and the beat goes on!

2006-09-26T11:12:00.000-04:00

i get to see my best friend in the whole wide crazy expansive scary world today!!!!!

hot shit!

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS

2006-09-25T16:36:00.000-04:00

it's fall now, and everyone's still in love [ok, mostly, meh..]. now everyone's going places. i'm going tomorrow to a hotel in downer's grove, il to hang out with my ultra-main-squeeze partner-in-crime jeanne. my parents are going this weekend to move my sister in in nyc. angela's off to chicago and elsewhere for the weekend. tan! leave for tour friday. terry's leaving for eight days to visit his mother in nc. too many goodbyes and trips to the airport. waaaa. i'm upset to think that i don't know when i'll see jeanne again after this. and when terry comes back, we will do all the fall things.

nuzzle up

2006-09-21T16:39:00.000-04:00

forever 21, h&m, estate sale, chicken noodle soup...it's like i'm trying to cram all my favorite things into 24 hours. maybe i'm gonna die tomorrow. change in seasons such as this has been, so so stark, always lends itself to big shopping yearning. big-time. it feels always like i only own about three sweaters, so that situation perpetually must be rectified. it was so cold last night, only 48 degrees [ok, comparatively!]. it's so cold it seems like two little sausages don't help each other get warmed up at all and rather steal heat from each other instead. terry gets so cold and so affected by the cold, i.e., shivering!, and there's something so endearing about it. he constantly switching between being a little pig in a blanket, a nun, a ghost, a bump under the covers. all wrapped up under that silly deer blanket, this morning he even fretted in his half-slumber whether or not the deer was upside-down. laugh.

the weekend's big. i bought fighting cock [103 proof! oh shit!] whiskey for terry for the housewarming party, and saturday is the thunderbirds are now! record release show at the magic stick. big weekend socialization. and tonight, i'm going to roast garlic for the first time. wow way exciting.

and what's your name? like i'm in the way.

2006-09-19T16:41:00.000-04:00

it's only been cold for a day, and i already want summertime back. err, rather, it's only been cold for half a day, and i already want summertime back. perhaps i romanticized gadica's "cuddle alert," as my bed partner was shivering this morning, and my feet never left the ice-cube/too-cold-to-warm-up-on-terry-because-he'll-start-yelling stage. it's far too soon for my fingers to be so cold that it impedes my typing/working efficacy. i'm not ready for this. perhaps we need to hit up the cider mill, hit that shit up SOON. perhaps donuts and hot cider will make this worthwhile. because donuts make most laborious things in life worthwhile. usually. it's fall now, and it's cold already, and all the trees in my view out the six windows i have a view out of are still green except one a few backyards away that's 90% red and 10% some shade of translucent light green. it's a soft jewel tone already, and it's only mid-september. it's like a some kind of flawed ruby, almost like the kind i invision set in my cheap antique wedding ring someday. trees like that remind me of almost two years ago, driving through hines park over and over again, gawking and gasping and shuddering and awe-ing at life. the trees resembled jewels more than any other time i can remember, and every song was eons more affecting than during past listens. it was as if the ropes attached to hearts had quadrupled.

bound stems' full-length appreciation night finally comes out today on flameshovel. you can pick it up at insound [use coupon code bstems15 for 15% off your entire order through the end of october].

my two favorite jams off the record:
---------------> andover
---------------> wake up, ma and pa are gone

woke up very early to finish the mountain of work i had yesterday. it may have been the most i've ever had in one day, or if not, definitely in the top three. went to terry's job for lunch, went to the resale shop and thrift store. i scored a pair of naturalizer heels that have both black and navy in them. how versatile! the apartment is slowly becoming neater and neater in my boredom lately, but laundry never ceases to resemble perpetual-dream-cruise proportions. no one really likes the cuckoo clock, and it loses about a minute every hour. so it definitely requires some level of care. like a baby step toward having a pet. or something. i feel most of the time, like times like now staring out the window at the clouds sailing by and the leaves blowing strongly in the wind, like i'm just wasting time. i need to get another job. it has been strikingly apparent for quite some time now. this entry is beginning to resemble something out of livejournal, and that's a problem. i gotta go.

past, present and future:
wheat -> don't i hold you

fits of favoritism

2006-09-18T15:10:00.000-04:00

so angela and ryan bought a house and instead of lighting chest hair on fire, jumping off the counter is apparently the new thing to do. i left early because i'm boring, but i'll definitely be participating in JUMPS this weekend.

terry's usually the base. his stance is always part taking-a-poop/part don't!-splash-me-with-water-in-the-lake!.

very serious about being the base.

lindsay gets ready. she surely went first because she weighs as much as a feather.

success!

amanda's boob landed right in terry's hand. oops!

angela looks nervous.

yes!

counter gangster.

the dudes are really bracing themselves.

megan's scared!

ya know, hot sauce shots.

absolute seizures of laughter.

throw from your window your record collection

2006-09-16T17:41:00.000-04:00

hit up some good estate sales today with my mom. fruit/vegetable stand, the new westborn [ooo!]. i'm making a roast tonight for terry and i, for the very first time. i'm deadset on redeeming myself after the burnt pork chop incident the other night. tonight is couples get-together. can i call it that? how totally, totally corny. talking about making a roast and couples get-togethers. jesus christ. are we boring or are we normal? laying on the couch watching cops with terry [or listening to him laugh and laugh and laugh at america's funniest home videos for sure] is just about all i need for happiness lately. tomorrow we're volunteering with his job for aids walk in royal oak. passing out waters together to walkers...something about that feels so high school. maybe that's not exactly it. it's something. life is changing, become more seasoned. oh yeah, the seasons...they're changing too. chuck gadica put a "cuddle alert" in effect for all of next week. woo! ha.

a real, genuine cuckoo clock made in germany. it even works.

you have to pull down the weights every day to keep it working. i wonder if the ticking and the "cuckoo-ing" every half an hour will get on anyone's nerves.

look at those babies. they're my absolute new favorite.

i always feel kinda bad for woodland creatures with permanent dirt marks on their forehead.

planter that is the sibling planter of the blue one [pictured below] i picked up at the royal oak garage sale.

i don't think i ever posted pictures of trick dog, the cast iron bank. you put a coin in the dog's mouth, push down a lever on the right and the dog whap! flies through the hoop and places the coin in the barrel.

it's so heavy and the movement so fast that it's quite dangerous.

goldilocks and the three bears: a modern porno tale

2006-09-15T11:42:00.000-04:00

i had a dream last night terrorists took over the woodward area north of 696 and south of about 13 mile. i was held at gunpoint three times but was never shot. i wasn't even killed when i lied, pleading to the man [one of whom women in the dream were fumbling, trying to seduce: rouge on their apples, hair fixed up nice, necklines hastened down to plummeting; we were at some point careened in an arby's, and they were repeating endlessly how gorgeous he was with his long hair and full beard; it was as if they were in a trance] that i was italian and not american [and not greek?]. it was at this point that i was nearly killed, as i failed to answer as a true italian some question about "the five beauties" [?!], as i could recall not even one.

is poverty all we think about lately? yet, we are happy in spite of so busily still chasing deals. last night was pork chops day two: fried. i burned them, and smoke quickly filled the house, setting off the alarm. terry salvaged the chops, but we still overdosed on bacon grease. i baked the chops to perfection the other night and should perhaps stick with that in the future.

it's noon friday, and it's far past the time i should be sitting here, still sipping on coffee. the terrorist dream kept me in bed past eleven. i would have preferred the men had never came and the dream remained as it was in the beginning when i was helping a friend sweetly arrange and package cupcakes and other baked goodies he had made for his lover.

motivated mostly/only by guilt of barely not writing for months, here's some pictures from the touch and go festival in chicago last weekend. they're not amazing, but they're something to look at. i like them.

early evening friday; it was nice to have a view of the skyline from the hideout

we were into the lighting friday evening, and photo happy

a video store on belmont with only old sports and wrestling videos

scratch acid saturday night; note the sea of dudes and fists [!]

three mile pilot sunday afternoon; we missed half their set because they started early [wtf]

seam

i have weird memories of you

2006-09-07T09:34:00.000-04:00

lately has been great. it feels like all we do is worry about money and listen to the national. always searching for a deal and listening hard for the most touching lyrics. getting the timing just right to hit up holiday market's clearance rack and score a 2$ chicken; reciting, "i've got your dreams and your teeth marks." it's the end of the summer, and i've barely listened to archer prewitt. i think i've barely felt melancholy. i can't wait to see snow with terry kind of in the way you excitedly anticipate the first snow for a native floridian. or someone's first rollercoaster ride. lately's been lots of bbqs, the state fair, a campfire in the backyard on labor day [complete with ensuing nasty anonymous letter from the neighbors... ooooooooo scarrrry], lots of movies complete with the stark dichotomy between seeing movies in birmingham versus universal mall [also, my super ex-girlfriend is nearly abhorrent], new books, new knitting projects [the weather change'll totally do that to you, the urge hits like a ton of bricks], the thrill of sleeping under blankets together again, so close, like two little sausages. last night we drove 13 mile deep into the east side until we hit the water. drove down jefferson a bit and got out to have a moment at a park [more like a lookout] tucked between houses at the water's edge. approaching the water, the full moon reflected an abundance of white light onto the water. approaching, it was so romantic. terry even said, "this looks like france." approaching and looking down the coast toward the lights of the city, i said, "this looks like athens." nice. and then we smelled. the POOP. poop. the undeniable smell of poop, neither combined with nor absent of any other smell. just POOP. terry joked around per usual, pinning me against the fence to continue [er, endure] the romantic moment while i gagged and coughed and karate-chopped his arm. then we got the fuck out of there. what the hell? i'm from fucking downriver, and the water doesn't even smell like that down there.

so everyone's in love, and everyone's moving. angela and ryan are leaving from living right above us to living just a block away. i haven't quite emotionally digested [er, approached] this change. but i wish them of course good luck and happiness. and i will miss them of course. but i will just walk down the street and hang out with them, it will be great! my sister is beginning her externship working [for free!] under the top pastry chef in the country right now at the very fancy jean-georges in manhattan. what an opportunity. sometimes there is nearly a dearth of words for it. yesterday she officially secured her living situation for the duration [until february], which is only two blocks away, right at the top of the park. 59th and 5th ave, right next to the plaza hotel. take a look:

she'll be living in the building directly to the right of the hotel, in that little building mostly shrouded by the trees in this photo. so crazy! life is nuts, so absolutely nuts sometimes. i'm so-SO excited and proud of her. there's nearly a dearth of words for that too.

and chicago again this weekend for touch and go. i doubt kevin will tolerate listening to the national nonstop there and back. what am i gonna do?

pictures of food and pictures of people

2006-08-31T19:41:00.000-04:00

end of summer [everyone is in love]:

blowin' taters

gnawin' paw

hot shit buds

looking cute and young

laughter with tears

adorable.

couple of the year

hamtramck steven made an appearance at our yard sale

has the uncanny ability to look hot taking out the trash

funniest photo ever where i'm a secret fatty and terry's a secret retard.

the official dream cruise rant

2006-08-19T09:53:00.000-04:00

my mother is the hands-down the best writer in the family, and i knew it was only a matter of time until she produced the very best, the very most official, all-aspects-of-hate-encompassing piece of writing on the dream cruise. she really nails it. enjoy:

------------------------>
okay, so this event is called the Woodward Dream Cruise. it started, i understand, in 1995, and ... (okay, this is where i step up on my soapbox) ... IT'S A FRIGGING NIGHTMARE!!!!!! i've been thinking all week about HOW i can even explain this thing because it's so crazy and OUT OF HAND.

it basically involves REALLY ANNOYING MEN in automobiles that range from the beginning of time to the present, but it focuses on "hot rods." i know you know the type: the guy that has been tinkering in his garage (to avoid THE WIFE) for years and years ... listens to "Oldies but Goodies" that date just prior to the beatles ... drinks tons of beer (and has the belly to prove it) ... and thinks that he is TOTALLY COOL because he has lovingly massaged/polished/and/masturbated some old gas-guzzling jalopy into a pollution-emitting STATUS SYMBOL that somehow declares to the world "I WIN."

so what these "guys" do is drive these cars up and down ... and up and down ... and up and down the entire length of Woodward Avenue VERY SLOWLY so that they can basically SHOW OFF and give the ogling masses that congregate on the sides of the road time to MEASURE THEIR COCKS. this event is actually SUPPOSED to take place on one single saturday but ..... NOOOOOOOOOO ... these fanatical examples of America at its PURE WORST have turned this thing into a FUCKING WEEKLONG CIRCUS.

they started to creep in last weekend. you could see them with their trailers and lawn chairs dotting the parking lots and motels along the sides of Woodward last saturday and you could already smell the TOXIC EXHAUST by wednesday. (just sitting here typing this i can hear the ones that have strayed off path onto the larger side streets GUNNING THEIR ENGINES in a cry of MANLY POWER.) this is additionally compounded by the fact that, ten years into this, all kinds of "sponsors" have now infiltrated things and are erecting GRANDSTANDS and literally SMALL BUILDINGS to accommodate their payola-receiving "friends" to have a GOOD SPOT (i.e., all the beer, oldies and poisonous gases you can ingest in one day) for the day of the actual "cruise."

all this week peggy and i were sent into convulsing tantrums each time a shirtless (why do they have to be shirtless?) or wife-beater-T-shirt-wearing JACKASS that is living in a PERMANENT MIDLIFE CRISIS (that has surpassed any allowable period of time) ... arm flung (oh-i'm-so-cool) across the back of the seat ... "cruised" by in his SOUPED-UP CHEVY smiling THAT smile (that has PERVERT written all over it). they THINK that the two of us are going to OOOOOOOOO and AHHHHHHH at their BIG FAT PENIS they've buffed to a bright sheen, but all we want to do is scream: WE HATE YOU!!! OKAY???? GO HOME!!!!!!

so let me tell you about numbers now. last year 1.7 MILLION PEOPLE attended this thing and FORTY THOUSAND CARS (that were invented before anyone even heard of the term CATALYTIC CONVERTER) crowded onto this one road. and, of course ... this year is expected to be BIGGER AND BETTER!!!!!!!!

can you get a vision of this?????? can you even possibly imagine how annoying this could be???? i haven't even touched on THE TRAFFIC that this thing causes. since this is the first time i ever really lived around this thing, i have been carefully calculating how i'm going to LOCK IN my parking spot outside on the street for fear that some BRONTOSAURUS DODGE sneaks in and i'm forced to give up and just drive to ohio to find a parking space.

there's more. oh, there's more. there's the RIDICULOUS local news stations that have been COUNTING DOWN THE DAYS 'TIL THE CRUISE ... there's the WOMEN that have obviously GIVEN UP THEIR VACATION TIME to drive from kansas or missouri or godknowswhere to accompany their men and actually wave at you from the back seat like they're FUCKING PRINCESS DIANA ... and then there's the disheartening fact that this "cruise" now spans ALL AGE GROUPS, RACES AND SEXUAL ORIENTATIONS to include the "rich people" (who obviously WIN because their cars are MORE OSTENTATIOUS), the blacks (who of course stay very close to 8 mile where they can keep the barbecues going ... sorry sounding so racist, but it's the truth) and then last night i spotted a bunch of LESBIANS ON MOTORCYCLES ... who i guess just threw up their hands and said, "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em" ...

a circus i tell you!

it's gonna be a long weekend.
<---------------------------

boneskin and musclechunk

2006-08-05T11:31:00.000-04:00

brought to you direct from the camera phone:

one of my favorite estate sale finds of the summer. it's a chalkware dog bank won as a prize at a carnival. it stands about a foot and a half tall. these are so rare that despite my avid estate sailing, i've never seen one or even known about them. so i read up on them and learned that chalkware prizes were made from the 1920s-50s, and are quite breakable because the material is so soft and fragile. another reason they're not around much is because the banks had no hole at the bottom to retrieve the money, so they were usually smashed. you can see that this dog's nose has been broken and glued before. it's the perfect housewarming gift for t.

horrible photo of an amazing deviled egg platter. it's motivation for making deviled eggs, which i'll be doing today. i can't deal with it being empty. it's pretty crazy to think that deviled eggs were/are so popular that platters were made specially for them. deviled eggs, big-time all-the-rage.

one of the funniest things in the world to me [holiday market]. so happy to finally have a picture of it.

birds and both blackness

2006-07-31T21:31:00.000-04:00

supposedly it was/is hotter in chicago than here in detroit, but even after spending two full days outside in the beating-the-fuck-out-of-you chicago summer sun, my house is decidedly more unbearable. even with a box fan in close proximity blowing full-blast. absolutely miserable, no contest. big misery. and you know, misery hates company. speaking of hate, i suffered from a big-time spell of it this weekend, so much hate. so much so perhaps it elicited misery [and hate..?] for my traveling companions. a day in chicago and my love for even its street names wiped away my hate like a much-needed talking-to. or perhaps it was the bartender at the secret squirrel. damn. truly the sweetest, most friendly and sincere woman--let alone bartender at neighborhood hidden dive--i've encountered. that helps. the festival was hot and oscillated between bearable and unbearable. two days of using the porta-pottie with more frequency than ever. two days marked most certainly by social observances. big-time.

after i finished this post, i lost a bunch of it. misery, again. hey, misery hates company. ok? all i remember is that i wrote something about being far too self-indulgent writing here, having hate and losing it. making some new friends and getting drunk, over and again. something about bringing out the fall music commencing on august first. about loving the hideout and being way-excited about the touch and go party in september. and something about thinking about switching back to high-school-style: paper, pencil and privacy.

does misery love the company of the miserable? probably not.

you and your autumn sweater

2006-07-28T09:50:00.000-04:00

today we leave. lansing tonight, complete with hotel. aiming for sobriety. gotta get up early, drive it over to chicago. i've only done the lansing-chicago one other time before [cursive and trail of the dead for max's bday, man.. long ago before i was even 21, funny], i think it's probably even more of a boring drive than detroit-chicago. gotta catch chin up chin up, early early.

what am i supposed to be saying in here lately? who am i writing to? someone? a bunch of someones? i'm having trouble with this.

i'm thinking about fall music.

sleeping with the tv on

2006-07-27T08:49:00.000-04:00

it feels more like fall even though we have a weighty chunk of summer left to cut through. like sticking your finger in butter. doing water aerobics at the y with a broken arm. archer prewitt's quintessential end-of-summer album, white sky, is soon to follow as obsession. but for now, it's easy to become obsessed with estate sales. the one we'll go to today promises to be one of the best of the summer.

so, some songs. josh rouse is some perfect fall music. so listen [sorry it's an m4a; but ya know, like in project runway, you're either "in," or you're "out," right? ..something like that]:

josh rouse |> my love has gone

three new songs off the new jeremy enigk. this album must have leaked somewhere. i would LOVE you if you'd point it in my direction. for now:

jeremy enigk |>
a new beginning
been here before
damien dreams

feeling ineffectual

2006-07-26T14:57:00.000-04:00

everything's the same all over again. or--everything's all the same, again. over and again. scrambling eggs for one. same recurring dreams. same songs and lyrics to fuel days. same everythings to fuel nights. same fears, secrets, obsessions. only the seasons have changed.

perhaps add in a bit more strength.

lately all i can think about is cooking with rosemary and hanging shelves. and maybe actually finishing a crochet project. thinking more of seasonal flowers rather than seasonal vegetables.

and thinking mostly of dotting the country, subletting in cities for a month at a time.

licking ice cream and arguing about hpv

2006-07-22T07:28:00.000-04:00

the days run smooth. four certifiable estate sales attended in two or so hours. bargaining that turned to near arguing for the perfect michigan piece for s: the best beer sign i've yet to see. precious tiny bottles of sweet extracts for making [or now for displaying]: vanilla, hot cross buns, nutmeg, clove, sweet cherry and at least a half-dozen i've never heard of. new dress at the mall, fueling an additiction. something also "perhaps inappropriate," just a little. late afternoon held chicken marsala leftovers and feet soaked in epson salt at mom's. after, a funeral. after, ice cream. after, an ambien [hallucinatory? i'm starting to think so] kicked my ass. that shit is ________.

today: a wedding and funeral--but in the other order. today is a funeral and a wedding and all i can think of is the anticipation of the rush that takes over upon entering the city of chicago where we will be fully engaged next weekend. without fail, i get into loads of trouble in that city.

berlitz

2006-07-15T21:19:00.000-04:00

the more i'm alone, the more i come back to writing again. it's the alone-ness, right? maybe it's not having yet another person to tell all the things i tell everyone in my life everyday. maybe it's being withdrawn; wishing to not speak and only to write.

i left myself without car for isolation. i didn't get the hair dye. but i did go to the royal oak garage sale with angela, which for the most part was overpriced, and which for the whole part was hot. complain-worthy hot. the service at beruit palace was also complain-worthy, and their limited selection of hot sauce [only tabasco, meh] was totally worthy of the-exclamation-of-the-day, "what the fuck?!" [also donned by shirtless man at the sale, pregnant/overweight woman in spandex, &tc.] the superfalafel [one word, for sure] was mediocre. there were actually a couple booths at the sale with reasonably priced items, and i picked up a small vintage planter in the shape of a shiny blue calf, complete with rosey cheeks and already bearing a plant. i'd provide a photo if the camera i was using was still here. and also one of the very old plastic santa riding a tin-toy 3-wheeler. i can't figure out why, but his arms are not attached to his body but to each other by a cord that threads through his torso, causing them to flail freely, almost too freely. he's part of my new semi-new endeavor to collect fabulous xmas pieces from the 40s/50s/60s. as if brimming the house with miniature xmas trees this year wasn't enough.

the rest of the day has been spent pretending to work but not working much at all. tonight holds no movies, no bar, no television, no crocheting. just more pretending to work. the feeling of nothing sometimes feels good. nothing feels good. whoa. so that's where they got it? and listening to seam are you driving me crazy?. just makes sense.

"i remain sorta sick now that i know what is written in stone"

2006-07-15T11:06:00.000-04:00

jeanne says, "do you ever really love? or just pretend?"

spent few daylight hours at home yesterday. shuffled around the southeastern bit of the state like i was tracing something. covering the bases of something, for something. even the bases were unclear. bought a handle-less teacup and saucer covered in entirety by a miniature town in dark, inky green, complete with many tiny trees, sparse clouds in the sky and ships in the harbor, all in high contrast. surely it's a simulacrum, but what perfection of what town is a limited edition piece from sweden trying to capture? perhaps if i could figure that out, it would help. maybe i need to be high. you think? like that catherine wheel song that goes, "it's how high you are and the time it takes to heal." perhaps that's the answer. went shopping for hours past the late afternoon into early evening. new clothes help, right? new sheets? those must help for sure. i'm going to cover my hair today in deep chocolate brown. change, it helps, right?

i guess i'm floating posted info this morning about the new jeremy enigk album coming out in october [!!!], tour, &tc. "burn" is a live version of the track from the forthcoming world waits, and it has that same slow, driving piano that characterized "shade and the black hat," but it builds up to nothing. no pleading, no immediacy, no "won't you stay tonight?"s. it's a slow, deep pain more like getting tattooed instead of whacked repeatedly with a baseball bat. you following?

just listen:

jeremy enigk new track
burn [live from forthcoming album]

i hope you enjoy it. it really kills.

now that makes it a little better, right?

these are the tracks from the united states of leland soundtrack i posted a whole ago. they make more sense to me now.

--->ballroom
--->set it on fire