can you still ruin music?

i didn't say it yet, my building is salmon-colored. my mother had said it was pink, google earth colored it red, but it is in reality salmon. a strange color for bricks i think. i had meant to mention this.

i'm slowly [or is it quickly?] accepting that i live here. it took about ten days to break down and buy the monthly train pass. "you just keep putting money on the card?" "yeah..uhm...i don't know what i'm waiting for." it took one trip carrying my dirty clothes to the laundromat to break down and buy the "neighborhood cart." i had had my heart set on one of those with the plastic flowery material, but perhaps those just exist in the movies because they don't seem to in my neighborhood. it's totally worth it.

i feel so in-between, over some edge or fissure, and my toes keep falling in. in the middle of the night, during certain songs, on certain notes...i'm transported elsewhere. to places that don't really exist, or maybe only in that 50% past. smells and the lighting and notes and how it all felt.. but none of that's here, and only somewhat in spirit. i'm willing it away. but there are new plans and times and people and delights. i have so much hope.