my mother is the hands-down the best writer in the family, and i knew it was only a matter of time until she produced the very best, the very most official, all-aspects-of-hate-encompassing piece of writing on the dream cruise. she really nails it. enjoy:
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okay, so this event is called the Woodward Dream Cruise. it started, i understand, in 1995, and ... (okay, this is where i step up on my soapbox) ... IT'S A FRIGGING NIGHTMARE!!!!!! i've been thinking all week about HOW i can even explain this thing because it's so crazy and OUT OF HAND.
it basically involves REALLY ANNOYING MEN in automobiles that range from the beginning of time to the present, but it focuses on "hot rods." i know you know the type: the guy that has been tinkering in his garage (to avoid THE WIFE) for years and years ... listens to "Oldies but Goodies" that date just prior to the beatles ... drinks tons of beer (and has the belly to prove it) ... and thinks that he is TOTALLY COOL because he has lovingly massaged/polished/and/masturbated some old gas-guzzling jalopy into a pollution-emitting STATUS SYMBOL that somehow declares to the world "I WIN."
so what these "guys" do is drive these cars up and down ... and up and down ... and up and down the entire length of Woodward Avenue VERY SLOWLY so that they can basically SHOW OFF and give the ogling masses that congregate on the sides of the road time to MEASURE THEIR COCKS. this event is actually SUPPOSED to take place on one single saturday but ..... NOOOOOOOOOO ... these fanatical examples of America at its PURE WORST have turned this thing into a FUCKING WEEKLONG CIRCUS.
they started to creep in last weekend. you could see them with their trailers and lawn chairs dotting the parking lots and motels along the sides of Woodward last saturday and you could already smell the TOXIC EXHAUST by wednesday. (just sitting here typing this i can hear the ones that have strayed off path onto the larger side streets GUNNING THEIR ENGINES in a cry of MANLY POWER.) this is additionally compounded by the fact that, ten years into this, all kinds of "sponsors" have now infiltrated things and are erecting GRANDSTANDS and literally SMALL BUILDINGS to accommodate their payola-receiving "friends" to have a GOOD SPOT (i.e., all the beer, oldies and poisonous gases you can ingest in one day) for the day of the actual "cruise."
all this week peggy and i were sent into convulsing tantrums each time a shirtless (why do they have to be shirtless?) or wife-beater-T-shirt-wearing JACKASS that is living in a PERMANENT MIDLIFE CRISIS (that has surpassed any allowable period of time) ... arm flung (oh-i'm-so-cool) across the back of the seat ... "cruised" by in his SOUPED-UP CHEVY smiling THAT smile (that has PERVERT written all over it). they THINK that the two of us are going to OOOOOOOOO and AHHHHHHH at their BIG FAT PENIS they've buffed to a bright sheen, but all we want to do is scream: WE HATE YOU!!! OKAY???? GO HOME!!!!!!
so let me tell you about numbers now. last year 1.7 MILLION PEOPLE attended this thing and FORTY THOUSAND CARS (that were invented before anyone even heard of the term CATALYTIC CONVERTER) crowded onto this one road. and, of course ... this year is expected to be BIGGER AND BETTER!!!!!!!!
can you get a vision of this?????? can you even possibly imagine how annoying this could be???? i haven't even touched on THE TRAFFIC that this thing causes. since this is the first time i ever really lived around this thing, i have been carefully calculating how i'm going to LOCK IN my parking spot outside on the street for fear that some BRONTOSAURUS DODGE sneaks in and i'm forced to give up and just drive to ohio to find a parking space.
there's more. oh, there's more. there's the RIDICULOUS local news stations that have been COUNTING DOWN THE DAYS 'TIL THE CRUISE ... there's the WOMEN that have obviously GIVEN UP THEIR VACATION TIME to drive from kansas or missouri or godknowswhere to accompany their men and actually wave at you from the back seat like they're FUCKING PRINCESS DIANA ... and then there's the disheartening fact that this "cruise" now spans ALL AGE GROUPS, RACES AND SEXUAL ORIENTATIONS to include the "rich people" (who obviously WIN because their cars are MORE OSTENTATIOUS), the blacks (who of course stay very close to 8 mile where they can keep the barbecues going ... sorry sounding so racist, but it's the truth) and then last night i spotted a bunch of LESBIANS ON MOTORCYCLES ... who i guess just threw up their hands and said, "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em" ...
a circus i tell you!
it's gonna be a long weekend.
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